The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Brandi and Jacqueline finally make up…. kinda

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Let me begin by saying this episode fucking sucked. Bravo better do something about this show because it’s headed down a one way street to Shit Town in a speeding Mercedes.

We start with Kim and Kyle at the salon, super exciting, and we get to sit through Kyle getting a bikini wax – again. I don’t know why Bravo think it’s interesting to show women getting bikini waxes. As if that wasn’t bad enough, then we have to watch Kim get her fucking nose waxed. What the hell Bravo?!

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Another thing Bravo could stop doing is the pole dancing classes. It was shocking when Danielle did it. Now it’s just boring.

Everything Carlton does and says has to do with sex and I’m not impressed. Beverly Hills was supposed to be about uber rich high-class ladies. Carlton is making Traylor Trash look like a classy broad. And although I like Brandi, she definitely isn’t adding any prestige to this show.

This is the cleanest thing my mouth has touched all day

This is the cleanest thing my mouth has touched all day

Kim says that she couldn’t throw Kimberly’s graduation party at Kathy’s house because the Hilton’s had to go to Buckingham Palace. No Kim, that’s just what they told you because they didn’t want your drunk ass and your class-less co stars screaming and throwing drinks at each other in their house. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Hilton’s stay far away from any event where Bravo’s cameras are present. Although they might want to re think that… when’s the last time anyone heard anything about Paris?

Since this is the first party Kim has thrown is years, she wanted it to be really fun so she decided to hire a couple strippers. Brandi and Carlton volunteered, and went to brush up on their skills before heading over to the party.

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Once there, they sat on the curb looking at dick pics and eating hamburgers while waiting to be called in to do their show.

This is the best thing I ate all week. Actually, it's the only thing I ate this week.

This is the best thing I ate all week. Actually, it’s the only thing I ate this week.

Jaqueline.. I mean Hoyce… I mean big fat pig… I mean Joyce! Joyce, yes Joyce is there making a spectacle out of herself with a pile of flowers on her head and an old pageant dress from the 90′s. Carlton says Joyce is just desperate for attention. No… can’t be true.

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There doesn’t seem to be too many people at this “graduation party” and I’m wondering if it was less of a graduation party and more of an excuse for Kim to fucking do something with her life before Bravo axes her boring ass. She even admitted in the beginning of the episode that Kimberly graduated a while ago, so I’m gonna call bullshit on this one.

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Brandi gets too drunk to perform and pukes in the bathroom. Her and Carlton decide to leave and Kyle calls some more professional strippers to finish the party.

The next day, or whenever the fuck it was, everyone heads over to Lisa’s house to donate dresses to girls in foster care so they can go to the prom.

Kim is all butt hurt because Lisa and Ken didn’t come to Kimberly’s fake graduation party. Lisa had told her in advance that she wouldn’t be there and seems a bit confused as to what Kim is so upset about. Kim explains to Ken that if Lisa had been drunk in an alley somewhere, then she would understand not showing up, but RSVPing “No” and then sending a gift  is just not an acceptable way to behave. Seriously Lisa, learn some manners.

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Kim then demanded that Ken admit he was out of line. He refused. I love Ken.

Kim says in her interview that if they didn’t want to come, all they had to do was call and say they couldn’t make it. Apparently Kim is a little lost on the concept of an RSVP. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re drunk all day and check the mail once every other month.

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What’s a mail box? I’m a Disney star, I never learned how to do normal people things like check the mail.

In Lisa’s defense, I wouldn’t have wanted to go to some lame-ass alcohol free teenager party  at Kim’s house either. 

Kyle brings her dog to Lisa’s and everyone discusses the fact that the dog ate a rabbit. Kyle made it sound as though he hunted down and killed a wild rabbit, because big dogs do things like that. The part she conveniently left out is that the rabbit he killed was Porsha’s pet. So the true story was less “animal nature leading to the death of a wild animal” and more “Kyle’s irresponsibility caused the death of an innocent pet”.

For someone who is so upset about being called names, Joyce she sure does enjoy saying them over and over and over. Brandi said “big fat pig” once. Joyce has said it at least 4 times in this episode alone, she also said Hoyce, spaghetti and meat balls, and olive oil. I think Joyce should yell at herself for being her own bully.

And they called me Hoyce that means horse because I have a horse face and spaghetti and meat balls because I have a big head and skinny arms and olive oil like the cartoon and they called me chaquita banana, and air head, and loser face, and stupid head and prom queen... no wait, I'm ok with that one

And they called me Chiquita banana, and fat head, and loser face, and hair flipper, and noodle arms, and beauty queen… no wait, I’m ok with that one

Brandi decides to sit down with Joyce for what appears at first to be an apology but quickly turns into… not an apology. She made it simple: she’s not a racist, she’s not an alcoholic, and she’s not a bully. The only label she will accept being called is bitch. Seems fair to me. Can we all agree and move on? No. Joyce wants to contradict all the points Brandi just made, and remind her 56 times that she was bullied in high school. Joyce is an intolerable idiot and I find it hilarious when Brandi fucks with her. I don’t want them to make up.

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Joyce wrote a lot in her blog about Brandi’s apology, but the only thing Brandi actually said sorry for was for calling her Jacqueline. Nothing else. It’s wasn’t exactly an apology as much as it was an agreement to stop bitching at each other since they’ll never agree on which one of them is more terrible.

Joyce looks a little too fucking happy here

Joyce looks a little too fucking happy here

I really think Joyce’s annoying personality stems from the fact that she felt ugly in high school so she internalizes every little comment and still carries them with her today. Despite doing modeling and becoming a beauty queen, she still feels like that ugly girl inside and her insecurities make her hyper sensitive to everything that’s said to her. This woman needs some fucking therapy. Joyce is still holding onto shit that happened in high school in an unhealthy way. Something isn’t right in the attic there. I don’t consider name calling on the play ground to be bullying. Sticks and stones. If you can’t deal with that, you will get eaten alive on Housewives… or in real life. Man up or get out of the game Hoyce.

Next week we have to watch Carlton on a stripper pole again?? I give up on this show…

4 comments

  1. Joyce has been a name calling, rule making, hair flipping annoyance from the first episode. She basically marginalized the Richard sisters, which isn’t such a bad thing, until they go all slut pig on her.
    Telling Lisa or Yolanda what they should be doing or saying isn’t exactly wise either. Keep going after Brandi for a storyline because now you are well past funny or believable – your rookie year, kind of like your acting…..too fake, don’t wait for a call back (maybe Pillsbury Troll Baby will buy you Bravo so you can keep your spot on RHBH).

    1. Lol Hey windy! Good to c ya! :)
      Yup Joyce is Terrible, I think some people can’t see it because they’re too focused on her being attacked/victim. She’s not as nice and sweet as she wants everyone to think. Half the “nice” things she says are either sarcastic or manipulative imo. True colors will come out, they always do.

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