The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Bitching on the Beach

We’re going to Puerto Rico! Yay! The worst (and by worst, I mean best) shit always happens on the vacations. And Carlton isn’t invited! Amazing.

Kim finally decided to show up for something.
No Kim, you’re going on vacation not sneaking out of rehab, you don’t have to be inside the suitcase this time.

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There was one other person on the show who also sat inside the suitcase.

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Joyce’s dad died, but she’s not going to let that interfere with her party. So she wants everyone to ignore the death and have a great time. All the women say “everybody deals with grief differently” about Joyce, but what they really mean is “Joyce doesn’t seem to care too much that her dad is dead.”

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They arrive at the hotel and Lisa screams and pulls her hair out, and then faints when she see’s the peasants quarters they’ve placed her in.

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Ken, can you fly Rosio down here please, I don’t know where that toilet seat has been, and these sheets are making me itch.

Yolanda is still really upset that Lisa chose to open a new restaurant rather than paint with her in the lemon grove. She thought that they were better friends than that. Then on top of everything, Lisa celebrated Ken’s birthday on a day when Yolanda was busy, and as an extra slap in the face, she co hosted it with Kyle. Clearly Kyle is the more important person in Lisa’s life and Yo just ain’t havin that. At all.
She is set on reigniting the fight between Kyle and Lisa. She doesn’t want Brandi being friends with Lisa either so she’s being totally supportive of Brandi’s devastation over the loss of Lisa’s morning phone calls.

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Who opens a restaurant instead of making finger paintings?? It just doesn’t make sense.

Kyle is clearly the front runner in Lisa’s life at the moment and no one is happy about this. So Brandi and Yolanda come up with a game plan. They’re going to team up to get Kyle out of Lisa’s life, and then once she’s out of the picture they’ll battle each other for the title of Lisa’s BFF. Game on. May the best bitch win.

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This half pretzel counts as dinner, right?

The next day the women head to a beautiful beach with white sand and clear water. They swim and drink out of coconuts and I’m typing this while a snow storm rages outside my window. I hope one of them gets stung by a jelly fish.

The women are all having a great time, so Yolanda decides to ruin it by taking Lisa aside to bitch at her about stupid things that are none of her business.

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Yolanda wants to know how, when, where, why, and what time of day it was when Lisa and Kyle decided to become friends again.
Lisa doesn’t understand what this has to do with Yolanda, but Yo explains that since she was at the reunion she is entitled to this information. And she needs it to be as detailed as possible. She also wants to know why Lisa isn’t as close with Brandi anymore and what her obsession is with opening restaurants.
Lisa is super polite with Yolanda and I suspect that she only puts up with this bullshit from her because she realizes her brain is clearly damaged by the Lyme disease and that’s why she behaves this way. I mean, would you yell at someone with down syndrome? No.

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Next Brandi comes over and she wants to confront Lisa about losing her morning phone call privileges. Not only has she not been receiving the coveted morning calls, but she heard that Kyle has been getting them instead. Now what the fuck is up with that Lisa?

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Lisa’s like calm down guys, I can be friends with all of you at the same time. I swear I hate love you all equally.
Brandi challenges her by asking when was the last time Lisa called her on the phone – text messages don’t count. Lisa asks Brandi when was the last time she called her? Phones work two ways bitches! Only women whose boyfriends are in jail are allowed to complain about the frequency of the phone calls they receive.

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Then Kyle comes over to see what’s happening and Lisa is like fuck this shit and goes back to sit next to Ken.
Brandi is pissed because Yolanda talked too much and Brandi didn’t get enough words in. She still had more stuff to say! She wasn’t done complaining about the morning phone calls! Life is so unfair.

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Now that Lisa is gone, Yo and Brandi start putting their plan into action. Brandi puts on her best “I’m scared and I don’t really want to do this but I have no choice” face she tells Kyle that Lisa tried to make her bring the Mauricio/cheating tabloids to Palm Springs with her.
*Gasp*
Kyle says “I’m an idiot”... Yes you are Kyle, for a few reasons.
1. For immediately believing it without first attempting to apply common sense to the situation
2. For not asking Brandi why she bought the magazine and had it at her house in the first place
3. For not wondering why Brandi is bringing this up in front of the cameras when you made it really clear you didn’t want to breathe any life into these rumors – which is what Brandi has just done.

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Somehow Kim ended up in the conversation, she has her own grievances with Lisa as well and wants in on the drama.
I mean, can you really believe Lisa didn’t cancel her appearance at a children’s charity event to attend Kim’s back yard bbq? The list of terrible things Lisa has done just goes on and on…

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Come on Kyle, just hate Lisa with us. You know you want to. Trust us. We’re your friends.

Kyle asks Lisa if she packed the tabloids. Lisa says no. End of argument… oh no wait, no it’s not. Kyle is going to continue this argument for the rest of the trip.

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What will make me look better with viewers. Believing Lisa or not? Think….

Kyle learned her interrogation techniques from watching too many Dateline Investigations and keeps asking Lisa the same question over and over. Lisa’s annoyed and thinks the whole thing is ridiculous.

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Yolanda realized that the cameras moved to the other side of the beach so she comes over to get more attention by calling Lisa 55 years old! I think Yolanda’s obsession with age comes from the fact that her ex husband fucks girls who are younger than her daughter. She also had an age clause in her prenup with Mohammed and is jealous that Ken decided to keep Lisa around even after she passed 40.
Yolanda doesn’t just want the women to fight, she wants Mauricio to be mad at Ken too.
Ken tells Yolanda to go away and stop trying to ruin everyone’s good time. Just because she’s pissed that her husband never goes anywhere with her isn’t a reason to start drama with the men who actually showed up.
Ken says maybe all the women are jealous of Lisa because she’s the perfect woman. Love it.
How much MORE jealous did everyone just get with that statement?

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There were some scenes with Joyce and her family but they were boring so I fast forwarded.

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Now Mauricio is pissed because Kim did her best to get him all worked up, and the rumors in the tabloids are about him and now thanks to Brandi we’re talking about them again. But he’s not mad at Brandi for buying the tabloids, or for talking about them just now… no, his anger is directed towards Ken and Lisa. Well played Brandi.
He storms off the beach and ignores Kyle as she follows behind. Now everyone is upset and the beach day is ruined, thanks Yolanda!

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Sorry ladies, still team Lisa. Keep trying though. Let’s see what happens at dinner…

But before we can even get to dinner, Brandi wants to argue about Sheanna on the bus! Brandi heard through a friend of a friend that Lisa is actually friends with Sheanna, and we all know that Lisa is NOT ALLOWED to be friends with people other than Brandi. This is just unacceptable. She heard that they even have sleepovers together. What do you have to say for yourself Lisa?

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Lisa explains again that Sheanna is an employee and that she’s really not good friends with the 20 year old waitress. Surprisingly, they don’t have very much in common.

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Is this ridiculous conversation really happening?

Now that everyone is together at the table, Kyle wants to ask again, if Lisa put the tabloids in Brandi’s bag. Lisa says no. Brandi says yes. But no one is asking the most important question of WHY Brandi had the tabloids in the first place!

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Kyle just keeps repeating that she wants to know the truth. Ken tells her that now she’s going to have to be a big girl and actually use her brain to decide who to believe because these women aren’t going to agree on what happened. Screen shot 2014-02-27 at 1.08.36 PM

Kim is wearing a really pretty shirt and realizes that she won’t make it into the scene if she doesn’t do something dramatic, so she starts screaming at Ken about being a stubborn old man and demands to know why they didn’t come to her bbq! How could they do that to her? It was the most important party of her life! Are they trying to push her back into alcoholism???

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Woah Kim, dial back the crazy a bit. Besides, this is supposed to be about ME.

Ken and Lisa are too good for this bullshit so they walk away and leave the crazy people behind at the table.
Brandi is upset because she still didn’t get to talk enough. She had more to say about the morning phone calls and people Eddie screwed!! She wasn’t finished being dramatic damn it! 
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Lisa is upset and cries over the embarrassment of having to be featured on national Tv with these ridiculous women.
Good thing she has 3 restaurants, another TV show, an amazing husband, and the best house ever in life to cheer her up… which is a bit more than the other women can say.

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Next week looks like a filler episode. How long are they going to drag out the kids going away to college for? Ughhhh I don’t care about this.
And oh no…. Carlton is back! I forgot about her and actually enjoyed this episode. And now she has a perfect opening into the role of Lisa’s bff… how the fuck did that happen? She even gets to be in Lisa’s closet! The off camera plotting and scheming always backfires. Did these women learn nothing from RHONY?

48 comments

  1. HAHAHA this was hilarious thank you.

    Lisa is the best and these women are stupid to try to mess with her. If she leaves the show, the overall success and all of their pay checks are going to suffer.

  2. -Haha sums Brandi up perfectly “Woah Kim, dial back the crazy a bit. Besides, this is supposed to be about ME,” need a pick of her gloating at dinner.

    -Yolanda and Lisa are only 3 years about. Yo is a beyotch.

  3. Great blog, enjoyed it very much!
    I’d love someone to unpucker Yo’s butt from all those damn lemons! She really comes across as a know it all snob, and yet at the same time, I feel bad cause David is NEVER with her.

    1. That’s Yolanda’s M.O. when it comes to men. She picks ultra successful men and her role in the marriage is to worship them. It has to be tiring

      1. She’s docile and obedient to her men but a shrew and a bitch to her ‘friends’ and workers. There’s got to be a lot of pent up anger when you’re a slave to monarchs like PersianKingMohammedOfBeverlyHills and KingDavidFosterTheNameDropper. You know it’s hell!

  4. Love it!

    Yoyo wants to be the boss of everything, ugh she’s annoying.
    Mauricio before Kyle was a bar fly at every nightclub in BHills know this for a fact – he had a reputation like Jax, soooo something fishy happened no doubt.

  5. OMG…your blogs are the best! I found myself laughing out loud..finally someone who can write about the stupidity with humor. I think I am now officially addicted to your blog! I think David doesn’t show up with YoYo because..she be a yoyo…

  6. How come Brandi didn’t explain the splint on her hand? Her hand problems had been mentioned in a previous episode or two, but she finally went to a doctor! Like an adult! But no explanation of what was wrong with her hand. I guess we’re not supposed to care, so I won’t…

    Joyce didn’t cancel the trip because she wanted to go see her family. Also, she would have no screen time if she cancelled it.

    In Ken and Lisa’s defense, the hotel wasn’t up to their usual standards, and the standards of the show, either. Why weren’t they at the Four Seasons?

    And yes, what was Brandi doing with the tabloids in the first place? She bought them because she wanted the gossip, and none of the women cared that she admitted it. Really, I’m sure Kim and Kyle buy them as well, but they read them in private.

    1. Brandi broke her hand during the self defense class.

      **I** don’t even buy tabloids because I don’t want to give my money to people like that. I certainly wouldn’t buy them if my friends were in them. So I’m surprised that they think it’s normal for Brandi to have them. Look at them online or something…? But to actually buy the magazine and have it at your house?? I think that’s weird.

  7. Nice blog! I love, admire & respect Lisa on so many levels……… Should she leave the show, the ‘real class’ is gone & we’ll have another RHOC or even NY…….

  8. Lisa rocks and the rest of the original cast jumped the shark last season. Joyce is an odd bird and Carlton is a bat that needs to return to her cave, isn’t BH gated? How the hell did she even make the cast? Certainly something other than having money and a zip code should factor in? Like perhaps some class? This show is more like Jersey shores now and shame on you. I watch this show for the class, and Lisa and Ken appear to be the primary ones carrying that glass right now! I’m just tuning in as an after thought because I watch Vanderpump Rules now. Love Lisa, she’s beautiful, witty, smart, sexy and the only woman who appears to be “self-made” and not leeching (or post leeching) off men. Cheers to team Lisa!!! East coast rich, and working bitches have your back!!
    Tami – from South Carolina

    1. I am thinking that a probable cause would be that botox affected the nerve that innervates the tongue and it would take at least a few weeks to wear off. It can happen. She could also have tongue protrusion and swelling.

      1. I am a TOX addict and yes, swelling or drooping are sometimes side effects. Also fillers such as Juvederm and Radiesse will sometimes cause same lisp. Oddly enough, so will too many blow jobs… do not ask me how I know any of this.

      2. Such a shame. Brandi had natural beauty and I actually liked her down to earth sassy mouth last season. She has turned all Hollywood now – plastic in all ways. I liked it when she was “real”, flaws and all. These Housewives shows seem to make some and break some. I fear Brandi is in the latter category.

  9. This article is true but funny! I could not understand the pettiness of these women. Normal people like us have real problems. My friends don’t call me for a month and that is fine. I love them still. I love Lisa and liked Brandi before cause of her being the underdog who Lisa made us feel bad for. I only wish I could be friends with someone as kind and mothering as Lisa.

  10. This article was spot-on. I am a fan of Lisa. She has been saying what has been obvious to me, the viewer. Kyle has been using mouthpieces to fight all her battles so that Mauricio can keep kissing up to the wealthiest people to someday gain commissions in the millions when he sells their homes and finds them new ones. She keeps his image untarnished that way. Now the tabloids have exposed what may be true or not and Lisa is not at fault. Mauricio is upset when he thinks his image may now be tarnished.
    He always kissed up to Adrian and Paul…never was too nice to Brandi…since she’s not rich enough to bother with…though she is not worth anyone’s time either. She is no one’s friend. Lisa and Ken are so much better than the rest. They are all so shallow and self-absorbed. She was a true friend, selfless and caring. I wish her well. Whatever she touches turns to gold…or maybe diamonds and rose’! :)

  11. This was absolutely hilarious reading! Lisa´s been my favourite since I first started watching RHOBH, she´s intelligent, witty and carry herself with dignity at all times. Actuallt when I think about it she´s probably too good for this show. Anyway, loved reading your blog :-)

  12. “But no one is asking the most important question of WHY Brandi had the tabloids in the first place!” … hmm … Lisa said she first saw the magazine at home with Ken but nobody is asking why it is in their home.
    Sorry, I love your blog and tweets but I’m no longer a Lisa fan

    1. Brandi could be a Tabloid subscriber but….. Why point it out to Lisa. I don’t believe either one on that tabloid thing it reminds me of Danielle’s book on RHONJ season one.

  13. EXACTLY how I feel! Great job PYHU! I love it that Lisa tweeted up both your posts.

    This is what seriously chaps my arse. How come the west coast HW’s do NOT know how to debate or reveal the obvious. Blandi is from trashville so she knows how to sling it. The rest just have open gaped mouths and don’t know how to cut a bitch. I need to offer my support. For pay of course.

  14. Spot on and hilarious RCH. I love that Lisa is reading and retweeting.
    Now I need your advice. I was passing through and texted a friend to see if it would be convenient for me to stop by. She texted back that she was at her son’s house (like 80 miles away) and expressed disappointment that she has been sitting at home many days with no one visiting (bad winter you know). Should I get really mad and tell her off for not being home (I’ll let it fester for awhile) or do you think she will scream at me first for wanting to visit when she was away and not coming when she was home? Should I have checked up to make sure she wasn’t really at home and just lying to me? I want to get the first strike in.

    1. First of all, she is clearly just a Hollywood friend. If she were your real friend she would have been home while you were passing by. Or at least informed you in advance that she would be at her son’s house.
      Clearly she is in the wrong. But don’t say anything yet. Just ignore her phone calls for at least a month. Then throw a fancy dinner party with her and a few friends, and when you all sit down to eat start yelling at her.
      Also, make sure you put hearts on all the place cards except for hers.
      It’s really the only way to deal with a situation like this.

      1. I don’t want her to be friends with her son, dau in law, and grandchild because it means I will get less attention.I will have that dinner party and start yelling at her because good food goes down so well while screaming and fighting (I think it speeds digestion or something).

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