The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – This Episode Sucked #RHOBH

I wish we could have skipped this episode and went straight to the next one. This is an example of what Beverly Hills will look like if Lisa isn’t in it: SHIT.

So this recap is going to be short. But not as short as Yolanda’s blog. She didn’t even write one this week because she ran out of Lyme disease excuses for her behavior. This is literally Yolanda’s entire blog:

“Yolanda Takes a Pass

Yolanda H. Foster

Yolanda asks for your forgiveness for not having more to share this week.
Posted by Yolanda H. Foster on Mar 3208

Hello Bravo Lovers!
Due to a house full of family guest this week i was unable to write a blog. My apology. Until next week.
Much love,
Yolanda”

What the fuck Yolanda?! You guys should check out the nasty comments people have been leaving for her. Some of them are pretty funny.

So….onto the recap. Ken and Lisa packed up and got the fuck out of Puerto Rico. Everyone is shocked that Lisa didn’t want to stick around to be yelled at during breakfast. What’s wrong with her?

But Lisa reveals in her blog that they didn’t actually leave Puerto Rico, they just left that shitty hotel with all the bitchy women and went to a more fabulous place to finish their vacation.

“When we left that hotel, after Kim had been pretty abusive with no regret, we knew to stay or inform them that we were exhausted by the unrelenting accusations and wanted to leave it would result in an even more complicated scenario.
We looked at each other as we were going to bed, saddened by the day’s events and decided to get the hell out of there — to find the most glorious hotel on the island and vanish for a few days, to recover and lick my wounds. So that is what happened.”

Read Lisa’s full blog here

Kim admits that she should call Ken and apologize for her immature behavior, but she doesn’t want toooooo. Doing the right thing is hardddddddd. And as an alcoholic, she isn’t required to take responsibility for her actions, as previously stated.

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Being an alcoholic gives you a free pass to do anything. I learned that in AA. Trust me Brandi, I know what I’m talking about. Just keep drinking.

Yolanda initially looked pretty upset about Lisa leaving because she was really looking forward to continuing to bitch at her for another day. But she got over it pretty fast when she realized that now there is no one around making her feel jealous and insecure.

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No more talking about Lisa. I’m in charge now!

Yolanda’s first order of business is to declare that no one is allowed to talk about Lisa for the rest of the day. Everyone seems very disappointed in this. They were really excited to spend the day talking shit behind her back. But Yolanda will not allow Lisa to steal one more bit of her spotlight.

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I got rid of Lisa now I’m the QUEEN of this show! You all walk behind me!

Yolanda thinks she can be Queen Bee, but she can never fill Lisa’s Pumps. That’s for sure.

 

 

The women travel into the city. They abuse a reptile, Kim and Brandi jump in a fountain, and generally act the way ignorant Americans tend to do on vacation. 

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I show my love to animals by mistreating them.

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Lisa isn’t here so we can act as classless as we want. How fun!

Kim says it’s risky to do things that may potentially be illegal in places where people “speak another language”. But Kim “Speaks Spanish” so it should be all good.

The women have an uneventful boring dinner and then thankfully we’re back to Beverly Hills. That was a short trip. I guess there was nothing interesting to film without Lisa around. Think you can carry the show Yolanda? Think again… I know thinking is hard with the Lyme brain, but try.

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Brandi’s parents are in town and she brings them over to Yolanda’s house. Her and Yolanda give them a tour of the fridge, then they sit down for tea and her dad made everyone feel uncomfortable by telling stories about their family’s medical history.

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So we have a family history of skeletal problems, and now Brandi has added HPV and Herpes to the list. Would you like to donate some money to a hardworking family with health issues Mr. Foster?

Then Brandi gave her mom a car and they left. Wait till her mom gets the first lease payment in the mail. Surprise!
What’s up with Yolanda always wearing the same color from head to toe? I’m no fashion expert but I think it looks stupid.

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In Brandi’s talking heads she’s still going on about Lisa. Her new story is that Lisa wasn’t there for her …. but 3 episodes ago she was smothering her and she wanted her space. Brandi sucks at this game, she can’t even keep her stories straight. She insists that she loves Lisa. I’d hate to see how she treats people she doesn’t love.

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I totally love Lisa. That’s why I had to do everything in my power to make sure her and Kyle aren’t friends anymore. I did it all out of love.

Mauricio says he had trouble sleeping because he can’t decide if he should believe Brandi, the drunk bimbo or Ken, his friend for years. Seriously Mauricio??? Are you fucking kidding me?? Ugghhhh….

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I want to get in on the Housewife drama. It looks fun.

Carlton is happy about all this fighting because now Kyle is out of the way and she’s hoping she can be Lisa’s new bff. Lisa invites Carlton to have tea with her in the closet.
This is why Lisa is so fabulous -

Lisa drinking tea in her closet:Screen shot 2014-03-05 at 12.52.43 PM

Most people drinking tea in their closet: Screen shot 2014-03-05 at 12.37.39 PM

Carlton backs up Lisa’s version of not seeing any tabloids when they were leaving for Palm Springs.
I can’t watch scenes with Carlton. Fast forward. 

Kim is sending her daughter off to college and we get to see her baby daddy. He looks a lot younger than Kim, but I think that’s just because she’s aging so poorly.  Kim isn’t worried about how Kimberly is going to do at college, she’s worried about how she’s going to do without her daughter. Drunk. That’s how I imagine she’ll do.

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Kim explains her relationship with Kimberly’s father by saying that they didn’t want Kimberly to come from a broken home and be living between two houses on the weekends and they didn’t want to have a custody battle. Kim wasn’t going to allow her daughter to go through that so that’s why they stayed together never got married.   :/

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Kim knows Kimberly will be ok at college because she raised her with all the tools she needs to move onto adulthood. She accomplished this by being drunk on the floor or doing meth in the bathroom for the past 18 years forcing the kids to take care of themselves and the house. By not being a mom, she forced them to grow up faster. Hey, everyone has their different methods.

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Kim tells her daughter that everyday she’s been in her life has been a joy. But if that were true then how come she was so miserable that she had to be drunk or high all the time? Just saying….

Over in New York Gigi is moving into a 2 bedroom apartments that some of the Housewives of New York City might be jealous of. Yolanda’s reasoning for why Gigi needs a million dollar apartment to herself is because she wants Gigi away from the college partying and to focus on work. Right…. because all her new college friends aren’t gonna want to party at the rich girls house with no parents or dorm heads around. Gigi’s apartment is going to be THE new party spot. Thanks Yo!
All Gigi needs now it an older boyfriend and she can join RHONY! Hey I heard Gilles is single…

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Yolanda is setting up Gigi’s wall of mini paintings and all she can think about is the fact that Lisa didn’t make one. She starts obsessing over it in her head and decides to call Brandi to talk shit and make herself feel better.
Lisa hasn’t called Yolanda since their trip, and she hadn’t called Brandi either! Omg.
Yolanda believes that Lisa should reach out to her first, not that she owes Lisa a phone call and an apology. Lyme Brain reasoning.
Brandi think’s she’s getting an ulcer from all the drama. I think it might be the cocaine and white wine.. but what do I know. I’m not a doctor.

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Kyle takes Porsha to get her ears pierced and somehow Taylor scammed her way into coming along. But thankfully she didn’t have a speaking role. Porsha handed it really well at first, until all the adults made her freak out and believe she had something to be afraid of.
What was up with Kyle’s older daughter freaking out like that? Get that girl some therapy or something! I think she has some issues. Porsha was more mature than that.
These girls are not that far away from waxing and botox they better start working on that pain threshold.
This is stupid and Taylor’s lips are bothering me even from the background
fast forward

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Carlton’s daughter has to do a homework assignment on her mother’s background, and Carlton refuses to answer the questions. No personal questions allowed in this house or else the wire hangers come out!
She tells her daughter to write that she’s hot.  Yeah… great mothering you fucking nut job.

Screen shot 2014-03-05 at 12.42.16 PM

Don’t you dare write about Mommy’s background! I’m OFFENDED!

So basically… this episode was all filler. A glimpse into the future of a Beverly Hills without Lisa.
Listen up Bravo…. you better fix this shit!

I just want to skip to the reunion already. I can already recap next week without seeing it.
This is what’s going to happen:

Every one gets all dressed up to go to a fancy event. Kim tells Ken and Lisa that she’s still upset that they missed her BBQ. They weren’t drunk in an alley somewhere, so clearly there is no excuse for why they didn’t attend. Charity events do not count. Drugs and/or alcohol: Those are the only two acceptable options for missing something.

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Kyle pulls Lisa aside to tell her that she’s upset because of Brandi’s tabloid accusations. She needs Lisa to deny it at least 17 more times before she can feel comfortable believing it.

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Yolanda pulls Lisa aside to tell her that she hasn’t been being a good friend to her, and since it’s clear that she can’t run 3 restaurants and be Yolanda’s full time friend at the same time, she is going to have to close one of her restaurants. She suggests SUR because the fact that it’s doing better than RHOBH is upsetting everyone, so Lisa needs to do the right thing and get rid of it and spend more time in the lemon grove.

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The Brandi sits down with Lisa to tell her that she’s mad because she smothers her too much and she needs her space, and she’s very upset that Lisa doesn’t call her every morning and tuck her into bed at night. She also wants Schenna fired. Sure, Lisa and Ken might face a wrongful termination lawsuit. But if they were true friends they would do it for her. Brandi then tell’s Lisa that she just checkmated her, and then admits that she doesn’t really know what that means.

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And Lisa wonders how she ended up on The Twilight Zone when she clearly remembers signing up for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

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See.. now you don’t even need to watch next week. Can we haz reunion now please?

42 comments

  1. ha ha…I fast forwarded through everything but Lisa’s time in the closet; you are so right. Without LIsa this show will be an epic fail. Kim’s..what is he..ex..?? Baby daddy…totally hot. The ONLY thing Bravo did right was showing him.
    It looks like the attacks continue next week…so yes, I believe I will just wait for your recap of the reunion. This stuff is’t fun anymore…. until i read your recap. This is freaking hilarious and I am so glad that you can make something out of nuthin’.

    1. I haven’t laughed so hard reading a recap since Richard Lawson left Gawker. I agree with you that this stuff is not fun. I’d rather watch just the women with their children than with each other.

  2. I thought it was GANGSTA of Ken and Lisa to leave. I wonder if the producers had to call Andy Cohen to let him know? I’ve never seen Yolo as happy as she was to run through San Juan without Lisa. Jumping over posts! Holding iguanas! Demanding all the attention!

    Kim’s explanation of her Hot Baby Daddy situation made no sense, but nothing she says makes sense if you actually listen to the words. And while her sadness at Kimberly going to college is sweet, doesn’t she have older children? Did she react this way as well?

    Gigi’s apartment is nicer than any home I will ever have. But Yolo seemed more concerned about Gigi’s career (keep those receipts!) than about college.

    My 12 year old daughter got her ears pierced last summer, and I don’t blame Kyle’s daughters for freaking out. I was beyond impressed that Portia got through the first one like ‘no biggie’. It wasn’t until the pain began that she freaked. The saleslady should have barreled through and done it while she was already crying!

    Lastly, Brandi. Complains that Lisa mothers her, complains when she doesn’t call. Which do you want, Brandi? Let’s see what her story will be on the Reunion.

    1. This is the nastiest, rankest article ever. I guess reality show re-cappers don’t have any standards or needs to just report the facts and let the readers think for themselves. Lisa is not the be all know all of this show. If she turns to Carlton as a friend then she is a hypocrite. This article is a new low in reporting.

  3. And Carlton wore pink to Lisa assuming her BFF role …

    You hit the nail on the Lemon tree!

    Its still bothering me when Yo showed up for breakfast with the “Lisa left Puerto Rico, look what you did”
    *attitude* I’ve noticed Yo loved to put the pot on the fire then get others to stir it and when it boils over she’s all like “what happened”. She’s more annoying everyday that dumb StetfordWife

  4. Agree 100% – this episode sucked without Lisa. So Yo couldn’t find the time to write a blog because she had to pick extra lemons for some houseguests? Just shows another way Lisa is the more fabulous one: With 2 restaurants to run and a third one being created, Lisa still found the time to blog.

  5. Off topic to RHOBH, but what do we all think of Tre and Juicy’s plea deal?? Love to know what her fans say now.

    1. They blame it all on Joe. I read another recapper who hinted ‘one is the leader and one is the follower’. The problem is, Teresa presented false paystubs and info to the bank BEFORE she was on RHONJ. She may not know about Joe’s business dealings (who investigates their husband’s business deals?) but she knew she was presenting false info. They can’t use the ‘were had to keep up appearances b/c we were on TV’ when they committed some of the crimes before they were on the show..

    2. I know they have to pay for their crimes, but at the same time I feel sorry for them because its going to be so emotionally painful for them and their kids, especially their kids.

        1. I do feel sorry for the kids, at the same time it seems they didn’t think of the kids when they did this. What were they showing their kids, live beyond your means and do’t get caught and if you do get caught fein denial and it will be okay?

  6. See what happens when you charge people to entertain them, RCH? They feel entitled to complain!

    But since I’m one of the lucky ones who gets my ticket comped, I want to say I’m so happy you’re on the job:

    “Listen up Bravo…. you better fix this shit!”

    I watched the clips from the finalé and somebody better tell Brandi to take a long, long vacation and STFU. She’s on Twitter acting like she won “Homecoming Queen” when she’s really a landslide “Most likely to end up making a public fool out of herself over getting dumped by a serial cheating husband for a younger, rich and famous country singer.”

    Didn’t Brandi and Yo get the memo?

    Memo to Brolandi: When you’re in a deep hole, QUIT DIGGING.

  7. Lolololol. Love your recaps! We were robbed on this episode. I fast forwarded through all of Kim’s scenes and most of the kid’s scenes.

  8. I watched, had a vodka tonic and a puff then lost interest. Oh well. I didn’t like Lisa crying to Carleton. It was fake cause Lisa cries to no one. Especially the likes of Carleton.

  9. Went to Villa Blanca for lunch today & there was Ken, he says what Yoyo did upset Lisa far more than Adrienne, she cried for days. No fake tears. He says Brandi’s BS didn’t face them because she’s a drunk and what she says doesn’t bothered them. Yoyo touched his arm while talking to him when he tried to remove it, she then went off on the “don’t you touch me” – they’ve had it with Yoyo completely and says Brandi only befriended Lisa to keep her spot on the show. That’s all I remember for now. He’s a true gentlemen, asked me to sit on his table while we talked and offer to get me a drink and food even though I had both on my table. Went to shake his hand at the end of my 15min conversation and he gave me a kiss on my cheek. Lisa is a lucky wife. And I had a great time.

    1. Thanks for sharing! That’s pretty cool.
      I wonder how that BS with Yo is gonna affect their relationship with Mohammed.
      Did he say anything about Lisa returning, because the shows and blogs are making it sound like she’s not coming back.

      1. That’s will be interesting with Mohamed he seems to truly liked Lisa. I want Shiva next year if she’s still around. Ken was very forthcoming about his feelings and events, he didn’t give any indication that they were unhappy with the show, only Yolanda. I feel he would have said “we had enough” or something similar if they weren’t returning. Lisa and Giggy were filming Summers by Bravo yesterday, so it seems all is good. Wish Lisa had been there, but it was awesome talking with Ken.

        1. I knew Brandi got the Housewife spot in Season 3 because of Lisa’s support! I hope Brandi, Yolanda and Carlton will not be back next Season…

          Do you think that this group of women can film another season together? Words have gone too far… don’t you think?

          1. There’s no coming back from some things, unless it’s Bravo. They have no shame as long as the show goes on… Except for Lisa. I have a feeling Mr.Foster has strings he can pull if YO wants to be on again. Maybe they’ll make Mohamed the mediator? It will be interesting that’s for sure.

  10. This blog is perfection!! I hope Bravo and the the cast of RHOBH have read it!! Great job my friend, just fabulous funny and true true true!!!!

  11. I just love to read your blog. So good. :) The scene with Yo and Ken was so obvious she overreacted, just reinforces her desperation to be relevant. Even though she would have you think she is above “these clowns”, this season it was very telling that Yolanda is the most pitiful clown of them all.

    1. Thank you!! :)

      Yolanda’s true colors really came out this season. I can’t believe she hit Ken’s hand away like that… like yaaaa I’m sure he was trying to assault her by touching her arm… what a stupid drama queen.

      It’s becoming more and more obvious why Mohammed replaced her. I wonder how long until David gets fed up of her too.

  12. Your blog is great–I read a lot of them and there are plenty of anti-lisa blogs which really do exploit the issues to sensationalize their blogs to get readers–so person above can go there–yes?

    OK–On to a couple things–help me out. I read awhile back that Andy is no longer at the helm of HW but concentrating on his show WWHL. Anyone else hear that?
    Next–I watched an interview with Lisa and she said she is not sure she is returning. End of show if she doesn’t.

    The Lisa and Yo connection is minor–Lisa has been fast friends with Hadid and Yo’s girls for years and hardly knew Yo until this show.

    My personal interaction with Lisa–nothing as great as meeting them or dinner but last week or so Lisa was on twitter and mentioned Giggy was sick–I posted to her and also mentioned that my 14 yr old Pom is slowly passing and Lisa sent me a private message simply to say how sorry she was.

    OK im done…..

    1. That was really sweet of her, she doesn’t answer much, so what you said to her made an impact. I’m very sorry about your dog :( that’s is heartbreaking. Our pets are our kids too.

      1. Thank you–we go to the vet in the morning as Kazz can not seem to eat well. For the past 3 yrs he has dealt with a collapsing trachea and now in just a matter of a month he has declined. I don’t want him to suffer so tomorrow will let me know if whatever is going on with him is treatable.

        1. You have my deepest sympathies. My poodle died from that and the vets never figured it out. I did a few years later reading a book about toys. It was hell for her. Broke my heart forever, too.

          In the end, all we can do is help them pass with love.

  13. what i can’t understand is why these co-workers don’t get that they are not BFF’s. i have 10 co-workers. two are “friends” and two are my BFFFL.

    most people don’t have the time nor the inclination to be everything to everyone.

    why can’t the “housewives” get that?

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