The Real Housewives of New York City Are Back! Recap #RHONY

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Ok so the first episode was kinda boring, but first episodes usually are. It’s all about catching up with the old wives and meeting the new one.
But what the fuck was up with the new tag lines? I’m getting really disappointed in Bravo… I thought Carlton was an honest mistake, but now it’s like they’re trying to be trashy.
Carole went from being a princess to talking about her ass, Ramona is basically calling herself a drunk, Sonja’s talking about going commando…. which just makes me think of her lady parts, and I’m sorry but Sonja’s lady parts are not something I want to be thinking about. Ever.
Aviva making jokes about her leg? And Heather… Omg girl stop trying to make “Holla” happen, you’re white and the 90’s are over. Tacky and poor taste Bravo.
If they wanted to change something they should have changed the ugly dresses from last season, not the tag lines.
I’m already not too thrilled with this season and we haven’t even gotten past the opening credits yet.

Let’s catch up with the wives: 

 

Carole wrote another book. But she’s still just all sad and alone with no family, no kids, not even a boyfriend anymore. At least Bethenny had a dog. I guess it’s too late for Carole to have kids, but I hope she can meet a nice guy who hopefully has some step kids she can get along with. Even when she’s smiling she still seems sad to me. Someone needs to give the girl a hug, and a cracker.

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Heather is still Heather. Not much seems to have changed with her. She brags about working for Puffy (P.Diddy?) but it’s not like they’re friends or anything. She threw a party and invited all of her “industry” friends. No one famous came. Besides the Housewives of course.

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Sonja is getting nuttier and nuttier. I like her, but boy do I feel bad for the Morgan family. She is just trashing their name all over the city. Actually…  they’re part of the 1% that’s ruining the world, so fuck them.
Sonja still has her townhouse for now. I don’t know why, but I just imagine that her house is really dusty and smells like dog pee. And where the hell does she get all these interns from? On WWHL she says NYU gives credits for being her intern. That can’t be true! What are they learning? How to marry for money? There is definitely something shady going on with the intern situation in that house.

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Ramona still looks great for her age. Is she the oldest Housewife of any franchise? It’s just a little sad watching her now, when we know what’s going to come with Mario….

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Aviva is on her best behavior but its sooooooo fake. This woman would make a good con artist… or sociopath. She lies so well. But there is no way she’s going to be able to keep this act up. She’s putting a lot of effort into containing the crazy and eventually she’s just going to explode. I still think she should take Ramona’s advice and pop Xanax or 5, it would probably make her a more likable person.

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Let’s meet the new girl Kristen. This is what Bravo has to say about her:

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“Born in Farmington, Connecticut, Kristen began her modeling career at age 14 after being discovered by John Casablanca’s agency. She went on to work in New York before moving to Paris for several years, followed by Italy and Australia. Gracing the covers of some of the world’s most renowned fashion publications, Kristen has appeared inAustralian Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, and Glamour as well as national campaigns for beauty brands such as L’Oréal and Clairol. The blonde beauty had been photographed by famed photographers including Antoine Verglas and Ben Watts.

In addition to her work as a model and mom, Kristen’s keen business sense led her to launch her own successful greeting card company called 2nd Street Press in 2009. On a personal note, after visiting Graceland as a teenager, Kristen developed a deep love for Elvis Presley which remains with her today. Not only does she take great pride in knowing the lyrics to all of his songs, she also shows her admiration by displaying a 4-foot-by-5-foot portrait of “The King” in the hallway of her apartment. Kristen lives by the philosophy of “telling it like it is” — because she has nothing to hide.

Today Kristen lives in TriBeCa with her husband of 10 years Josh Taekman — co-founder of the natural energy supplement EBOOST — and their two children, five-year-old Cash and two-year-old Kingsley. She stays in shape by keeping up with her children’s many school, social and extracurricular activities, along with her disciplined pursuit of Pilates, JCORE fitness, and an EBOOST a day.”

I don’t know what to think about her yet. I can’t decide if she’s funny or if I want to smack her. But she seems super honest, which always creates tons of good drama. And we’ve been in need some real honesty on this show since Bethenny left to go implode all over herself and make everyone hate her do her own show.
Judging from the previews, it doesn’t seem like the other women like Kristen very much. I must admit I am a bit intrigued by her, which is a huge step up from the immediate disappointment I felt with Joyce and Carlton.

Gotta say, I didn’t miss LuAnn. I’ve always said she was boring and pointless. She was kinda interesting when she was cheating on Jacques with Pirates in the Caribbean… but that’s about the only interesting thing she’s ever done on this show.

Now on to the recap :

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Does it look like I’m happy yet?

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You’re not doing it right. Would you like me to just take the pictures? The camera on my Galaxy 5S is amazing.

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Ramona, I’m so excited you’re getting divorced so we can be single together…. oops, I mean, um… I’m so sorry for the loss of your marriage. That’s terrible.

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We’re not divorced yet ya old hag. You think I’m gonna let this marriage go without a fight? Have you met me? That little bitch better watch out – and the girl he cheated with too.

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Heather: Aviva is calling, what should we do?
Carole: Ignore that crazy fucking bitch. Please.
Heather: I’m scared she can hear us
Carole: Just press the end button you coward!

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So Sonja, what the fuck is up with your toaster oven?

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This is going to be the best toaster oven ever, I’m so excited. We have the packaging all done and the boxes are ready to be shipped. Now all I need is someone to make me a toaster oven and we’re good to go!

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What was my dates name again? I didn’t care until he started talking to Kristen. Now I’m suddenly interested.

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Sonja: He’s mine so keep your hands off him
Kristen: Don’t worry Sonja, I wasn’t hitting on your son. I’m married

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So I’ve been taking acting classes, and I have this whole “normal” thing down pat. Watch, I’m gonna go fool Ramona. She won’t be able to tell that I’m still insane.

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If I weren’t tripping on Molly right now I would totally think you just said you were pretending to be sane. I’m glad you’ve turned over a new leaf Aviva. We should all be friends, I love you.

 

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So Carole, I have to write this book, and you know how much I don’t like doing things for myself, so I was wondering if you could just write it for me and put my name on it? Thanks that’s great you’re a doll.

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Hi Ramona. I’m totally normal now. I swear. Just a regular non psychotic person who doesn’t need medication. Let me prove it to you. Please?

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I don’t know Aviva, your normal-ness is totally freaking me out right now. I’m going to have to think about it.

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Oh no you got me a present… that means I gave to give you a BJ now… great. And I thought this was going to be a nice night.

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Hi Ramona it’s Aviva, I’m not trying to stalk you or anything, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to keep calling, and calling, and calling until you let me prove to you how normal I am now.

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Sonja: Just be friends with Aviva, what’s the big deal.
Ramona: Because she’s a fucking nut job. Whats wrong with you Sonja, are you on drugs?
Sonja: Yeah, well… just a little blow…It’s not like I’m smoking crack or anything crazy.

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I would like some Cocaine please. All this food looks really good and I wouldn’t want to gain an ounce by eating one of these muffins.

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Ramona: Oh so now you’re giving drugs to the new girl. Great Sonja.
Sonja: Listen I’m a good host. I just want everyone to be happy.

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I’m so glad you decided to come meet me Ramona. And since I know you’re an alcoholic and that’s the only way anyone can relate to you, I’m gonna get drunk with you to show you that we can be friends (and to prove a point which I will throw back in your face later in the season)
Tequila shots??!!

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You said Tequila? I’m down. TURTLE TIME!!

42 comments

  1. Just found this blog…Thank goodness! Finally a writer who tells it like it is and with humor!!!! I’m a fan!! XOXOX

  2. I want to smack Kristen already. Her tag line and introduction were so stupid and obnoxious I wanted to kick her off my tv screen.

    I do agree with you on this season’s tagline. It’s sad because I loved the first three seasons’ taglines because they just epitomized what I expect from NYC housewives. Then, when season 4 came along their tag lines became about them and not about being a women from the city.

    1. OMG haaaa @ Sonja’s house smelling like pee – It looks stuffy & would smell like humidity combined with mold, then I saw that rug falling apart, that’s no antique, that’s just old, so yep! You’re right it definitely smells like pee. Great recap!

      1. Former intern here – I swear the house smells nice and is clean! The dog goes outside always but that day was so hectic (hence there was 4 of us) we probably just threw down a pee pad. And yeah… that rug’s gotta go.

          1. Well I still am an intern… but I’m not in NYC and I’m nervous about saying too much because I signed legal documents. I’m telling you this much cos I’m a big mouth and I’m a long term fan of the Reality Crack House site and I always read a lot of recappers. I lived in the house with two other interns, the others were non-live ins who worked when we were off or when another live-in was off. I did a lot of social media/SEO stuff – that’s my background, but there were times we had to pull up our sleeves and arrange tea parties, or garden with Sonja. Bravo filmed us doing stuff like that because me having social media strategy meetings with Sonja aren’t fun to watch. They set up a lot of scenarios we (and Sonja) refused to do like cook a lunch for the ladies at her Hamptons place (I CANNOT cook). I wanted to build more experience on a digital marketing background so I was taken on and I got to live and eat there for free. And even though she was my boss I did bond with Sonja. For all her eccentricities she is a nice woman with a big heart and a great mom – her daughter is sooooo well brought up. I know we look like slaves or minions or whatever, but that’s all for show (after that tea party we cleaned up and hit the leftover champers).. And I genuinely learned a lot, and experienced a lot.

            1. Thank you, that was interesting. Still not sure I understand how this is part of school. Lol
              But living at Sonja’s house must have been pretty cool.

              1. It was. I remember my first weekend there and it was just me and Marley the dog (the real RHONY star!), chilling, watching an RHOOC marathon and thinking: “This is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me”. I know it’s hard to wrap your mind around it relating to school relevance but I got credit because I was helping with social media strategy/digital marketing/SEO and event planning – which my college ate up. And lets just say my wallet was never empty – I’ll leave it at that.
                But as I said, sometimes you had to do other jobs. Because of the work I put in, and continue to do – and I won’t take credit for it all… there are others helping, she has over 100,000 new followers, fans, etc since I started across all media platforms. And that’s a great thing to have as a reference and in job interviews.

                  1. LOL, I know cos it looks like bullshit ! Sometimes I wish she’d give us more credit on TV or in the blogs for Bravo instead of being vague about what we do or making videos for Bravo of interns lighting candles and all that. I mean, we do sometimes have to do that but we did actual work as well.

                    1. Wait…did you say Sonya has a place in the Hamptons? Does she own it? So if she loses her NYC townhouse she won’t be homeless? (Yes, I worry about these things. To wit: my social media name.)

        1. Hi, thank you, that’s good to know the real Sonia, the dog pee was me trying to be funny. I’ve been to old houses in NYC and no matter how clean they are, they seem to smell old and moldy. Sonia must take good care of hers. Seems like you’ve had a great time doing your internship. :)

          1. I really did! I loved the house. Of course on the first filming of the season there we’d forget the plates, letting the dog out to pee and so forth! Makes for good comedy.

  3. So, you perked my interest and I looked up the age of the older ladies from our Housewives franchises and checked their ages:
    Ramona DOB 11-18-56 (I am shocked! She looks FABULOUS for her age!)
    Lisa Vanderpump DOB 9-15-60
    Caroline Manzo DOB 8-23-61
    Vicky Gunvalson DOB 3-27-62
    Sonja Morgan DOB 11-25-63
    Jill Zarin DOB 11-30-63 (definitely thought she was older than Ramona)
    Yolanda Foster DOB 1-11-64
    LuAnn De Lesseps DOB 5-17-65

    Lea Black is the only one without a birthdate out there…

    1. Thanks for finding this. I’m shocked by Ramona too, she looks amazing!
      Jill definitely acts the oldest.
      And Brandi acts the youngest… In my head I think she’s 30 because of the way she behaves.

  4. Haven’t had chance to watch premiere yet. Just wanted to say I will never understand why Sonja went with attempting to market a toaster oven instead of going with a simple toaster oven cookbook. People will buy a cookbook! And, yes, her home looks like its close to being an episode on Hoarders. Her first season on RHONY didn’t they show where she was basically using her elevator as a closet?

    1. Yes I forgot about that! And not just a closet, like a cleaning supply closet Hahaha
      I’ve been waiting for the cookbook! It sounded like it would be good. She had a few recipes on her website, I never tried them though.
      She’s just not a good business woman. Terrible. She needs to find another rich guy to divorce.

  5. I think Leah Black (RHOM) is the oldest HW on all of the franchises– she’s almost 60 (and looks great for her age, IMO). Ramona is about the same age as Lisa (RHOBH) — around 52.

  6. I have trouble with your thumbs here RCH. They are all nervous and jumpy and seem to run away from me and generally try to avoid me, is it just me or have your thumbs gone all wonky?

      1. Take that back right now and I demand an apology! No iAnythings here! Are you some kind of blog friend to just go around spreading rumors like that? *sniff, sniff, almost a tear* Apologize and we can move on…and understand it is not anything I’m doing, it is YOUR thumbs fault!
        And while we are at it, I bought another little pot of basil, and set the pot in a container where I can water it from the bottom daily, put it on the windowsill and it seems to be living, yes actually thriving. Who knew? :)

          1. LOL …damn thumbs……I’m sincerely sorry that you thought it was my fault. Obviously I have no faults. I can even keep basil alive now, the plant, not the guy on Fawlty Towers.

            1. My sincerest deepest apologies that you are so delusional as to think you have no faults.
              I don’t need to keep basil alive bc I have interns that replace it constantly so I’m not aware if it even wilted.
              Like parents do when their child’s goldfish dies. I live in blissful ignorance when it comes to my basil.

              1. Ok that was toooo funny I give up, I am humbled but sincerely sorry that your interns are so damn sneaky. They probably stole your silver and replaced it with plastic, call the appraiser to make sure.

  7. Yeah I thought I was gonna hate the new girl, but so far I’m kinda enjoying Kristen’s reactions to our UES crazies. I don’t get her relationship with her husband in that he doesn’t seem her type beyond his $$. As a mom who stayed at home with my kids for 11 years while my husband slaved away as a restaurant manager for 65+ hours a week, I find her whole being sooo tired b/c of the kids schtick super irritating. You have a fucking nanny bitch, how tired can you be handing the kids off every time they act like kids?? Hashtag RichPeopleProblems, I guess. And no, I’m not jealous of the nanny b/c I actually adore my children and am grateful to have been their sole caregiver for their formative years, but I am definitely envious of the whole not living paycheck to paycheck aspect.
    Even still I don’t hate her (yet). This season looks awesome in its trainwreckedness, and I can’t wait to see how all the fights and water splashing and wineglass throwing unfold. Looks like no one comes out unscathed and no “friendship” untested.

  8. You are HILARIOUS……I laughed my head off…..about Sonja, well….something FISHY about her “interns”….who’s going to learn anything (and getting credit!!!!!) from that sad train wreck…

  9. I know this is the episode 1 recap, not Ep 2 but I finally watched Ep 2 (cuz I had non RH loving houseguests- the horror)… anyway, I could NOT believe Carole’s eating habits and lack of manners when she had lunch with Aviva. I know it must be hard for her to maneuver her lips around those prominent chompers, but for the love of Crackerjacks and all that is mannerly, please close your mouth when you chew!! Shudder. I guess I expected more from a Princess/Kennedy-type.

  10. I agree, Luanne is a boring uptight know it all. I do however enjoy Heather and Carole. I hope the rumors about those two being fired is some bullshit crazy Aviva made up.

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