I wish we could have skipped this episode and went straight to the next one. This is an example of what Beverly Hills will look like if Lisa isn’t in it: SHIT.
So this recap is going to be short. But not as short as Yolanda’s blog. She didn’t even write one this week because she ran out of Lyme disease excuses for her behavior. This is literally Yolanda’s entire blog:
“Yolanda Takes a Pass
Yolanda asks for your forgiveness for not having more to share this week.
Posted by Yolanda H. Foster on Mar 3208
Hello Bravo Lovers!
Due to a house full of family guest this week i was unable to write a blog. My apology. Until next week.
What the fuck Yolanda?! You guys should check out the nasty comments people have been leaving for her. Some of them are pretty funny.
So….onto the recap. Ken and Lisa packed up and got the fuck out of Puerto Rico. Everyone is shocked that Lisa didn’t want to stick around to be yelled at during breakfast. What’s wrong with her?
But Lisa reveals in her blog that they didn’t actually leave Puerto Rico, they just left that shitty hotel with all the bitchy women and went to a more fabulous place to finish their vacation.
“When we left that hotel, after Kim had been pretty abusive with no regret, we knew to stay or inform them that we were exhausted by the unrelenting accusations and wanted to leave it would result in an even more complicated scenario.
We looked at each other as we were going to bed, saddened by the day’s events and decided to get the hell out of there — to find the most glorious hotel on the island and vanish for a few days, to recover and lick my wounds. So that is what happened.”
Kim admits that she should call Ken and apologize for her immature behavior, but she doesn’t want toooooo. Doing the right thing is hardddddddd. And as an alcoholic, she isn’t required to take responsibility for her actions, as previously stated.
Yolanda initially looked pretty upset about Lisa leaving because she was really looking forward to continuing to bitch at her for another day. But she got over it pretty fast when she realized that now there is no one around making her feel jealous and insecure.
Yolanda’s first order of business is to declare that no one is allowed to talk about Lisa for the rest of the day. Everyone seems very disappointed in this. They were really excited to spend the day talking shit behind her back. But Yolanda will not allow Lisa to steal one more bit of her spotlight.
Yolanda thinks she can be Queen Bee, but she can never fill Lisa’s Pumps. That’s for sure.
The women travel into the city. They abuse a reptile, Kim and Brandi jump in a fountain, and generally act the way ignorant Americans tend to do on vacation.
Kim says it’s risky to do things that may potentially be illegal in places where people “speak another language”. But Kim “Speaks Spanish” so it should be all good.
The women have an uneventful boring dinner and then thankfully we’re back to Beverly Hills. That was a short trip. I guess there was nothing interesting to film without Lisa around. Think you can carry the show Yolanda? Think again… I know thinking is hard with the Lyme brain, but try.
Brandi’s parents are in town and she brings them over to Yolanda’s house. Her and Yolanda give them a tour of the fridge, then they sit down for tea and her dad made everyone feel uncomfortable by telling stories about their family’s medical history.
Then Brandi gave her mom a car and they left. Wait till her mom gets the first lease payment in the mail. Surprise!
What’s up with Yolanda always wearing the same color from head to toe? I’m no fashion expert but I think it looks stupid.
In Brandi’s talking heads she’s still going on about Lisa. Her new story is that Lisa wasn’t there for her …. but 3 episodes ago she was smothering her and she wanted her space. Brandi sucks at this game, she can’t even keep her stories straight. She insists that she loves Lisa. I’d hate to see how she treats people she doesn’t love.
Mauricio says he had trouble sleeping because he can’t decide if he should believe Brandi, the drunk bimbo or Ken, his friend for years. Seriously Mauricio??? Are you fucking kidding me?? Ugghhhh….
Carlton is happy about all this fighting because now Kyle is out of the way and she’s hoping she can be Lisa’s new bff. Lisa invites Carlton to have tea with her in the closet.
This is why Lisa is so fabulous –
Carlton backs up Lisa’s version of not seeing any tabloids when they were leaving for Palm Springs.
I can’t watch scenes with Carlton. Fast forward.
Kim is sending her daughter off to college and we get to see her baby daddy. He looks a lot younger than Kim, but I think that’s just because she’s aging so poorly. Kim isn’t worried about how Kimberly is going to do at college, she’s worried about how she’s going to do without her daughter. Drunk. That’s how I imagine she’ll do.
Kim explains her relationship with Kimberly’s father by saying that they didn’t want Kimberly to come from a broken home and be living between two houses on the weekends and they didn’t want to have a custody battle. Kim wasn’t going to allow her daughter to go through that so that’s why they
stayed together never got married.
Kim knows Kimberly will be ok at college because she raised her with all the tools she needs to move onto adulthood. She accomplished this by being drunk on the floor or doing meth in the bathroom for the past 18 years forcing the kids to take care of themselves and the house. By not being a mom, she forced them to grow up faster. Hey, everyone has their different methods.
Kim tells her daughter that everyday she’s been in her life has been a joy. But if that were true then how come she was so miserable that she had to be drunk or high all the time? Just saying….
Over in New York Gigi is moving into a 2 bedroom apartments that some of the Housewives of New York City might be jealous of. Yolanda’s reasoning for why Gigi needs a million dollar apartment to herself is because she wants Gigi away from the college partying and to focus on work. Right…. because all her new college friends aren’t gonna want to party at the rich girls house with no parents or dorm heads around. Gigi’s apartment is going to be THE new party spot. Thanks Yo!
All Gigi needs now it an older boyfriend and she can join RHONY! Hey I heard Gilles is single…
Yolanda is setting up Gigi’s wall of mini paintings and all she can think about is the fact that Lisa didn’t make one. She starts obsessing over it in her head and decides to call Brandi to talk shit and make herself feel better.
Lisa hasn’t called Yolanda since their trip, and she hadn’t called Brandi either! Omg.
Yolanda believes that Lisa should reach out to her first, not that she owes Lisa a phone call and an apology. Lyme Brain reasoning.
Brandi think’s she’s getting an ulcer from all the drama. I think it might be the cocaine and white wine.. but what do I know. I’m not a doctor.
Kyle takes Porsha to get her ears pierced and somehow Taylor scammed her way into coming along. But thankfully she didn’t have a speaking role. Porsha handed it really well at first, until all the adults made her freak out and believe she had something to be afraid of.
What was up with Kyle’s older daughter freaking out like that? Get that girl some therapy or something! I think she has some issues. Porsha was more mature than that.
These girls are not that far away from waxing and botox they better start working on that pain threshold.
This is stupid and Taylor’s lips are bothering me even from the background
Carlton’s daughter has to do a homework assignment on her mother’s background, and Carlton refuses to answer the questions. No personal questions allowed in this house or else the wire hangers come out!
She tells her daughter to write that she’s hot. Yeah… great mothering you fucking nut job.
So basically… this episode was all filler. A glimpse into the future of a Beverly Hills without Lisa.
Listen up Bravo…. you better fix this shit!
I just want to skip to the reunion already. I can already recap next week without seeing it.
This is what’s going to happen:
Every one gets all dressed up to go to a fancy event. Kim tells Ken and Lisa that she’s still upset that they missed her BBQ. They weren’t drunk in an alley somewhere, so clearly there is no excuse for why they didn’t attend. Charity events do not count. Drugs and/or alcohol: Those are the only two acceptable options for missing something.
Kyle pulls Lisa aside to tell her that she’s upset because of Brandi’s tabloid accusations. She needs Lisa to deny it at least 17 more times before she can feel comfortable believing it.
Yolanda pulls Lisa aside to tell her that she hasn’t been being a good friend to her, and since it’s clear that she can’t run 3 restaurants and be Yolanda’s full time friend at the same time, she is going to have to close one of her restaurants. She suggests SUR because the fact that it’s doing better than RHOBH is upsetting everyone, so Lisa needs to do the right thing and get rid of it and spend more time in the lemon grove.
The Brandi sits down with Lisa to tell her that she’s mad because she smothers her too much and she needs her space, and she’s very upset that Lisa doesn’t call her every morning and tuck her into bed at night. She also wants Schenna fired. Sure, Lisa and Ken might face a wrongful termination lawsuit. But if they were true friends they would do it for her. Brandi then tell’s Lisa that she just checkmated her, and then admits that she doesn’t really know what that means.
And Lisa wonders how she ended up on The Twilight Zone when she clearly remembers signing up for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
See.. now you don’t even need to watch next week. Can we haz reunion now please?