The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – The Finale (Finally) #RHOBH

Ok so basically the finale happened pretty much the way I thought it would. With the exception of Brandi saying I checked mated you bitch because they cut that out. What the hell Bravo?! They cut out so much stuff that they were able to show scenes from last week, a compilation of scenes from the entire season, and the beginning of the reunion, and the show was still only 43 minutes long.

I could sum the whole thing up by saying everyone wants to be Lisa’s BFF, and they are all upset because they each feel she doesn’t pay enough attention to them or likes another woman more than she likes them. That’s all that happened. The End.

But I know you guys want a recap…. so here ya go

The women get all dressed up and head out to a birthday celebration for Beverly Hills. If Beverly Hills were capable of throwing itself a birthday party I don’t think most of these bitches would be invited. I don’t know what was up with the party…. but it looked like a high school dance set around the pool in the gym.

And they were drinking out of plastic cups. Plastic! I don’t think this was a real party. I think this was something concocted by Bravo and the Hilton’s threw in the venue for free as a favor to Kim and Kyle.

 Yolanda and Carlton arrive first and get straight to talking about Lisa. Kim came with Joyce and her husband and they made awkward jokes about three-somes. I think they’ve been spending too much time around Carlton.
Kyle and Mauricio stop by to pick up Brandi and she’s bringing a black guy as her date. If anyone tries to call her a racist again, she can just point to him.

See, I’m not racist. I fuck black guys too!

They spend the ride to the party talking about Lisa, because Lisa is the most important thing happening in anyone’s life right now.

Everyone is just kinda standing around waiting for Lisa to arrive so they can each bother her with their petty grievances. As much as these women don’t want to admit it, Lisa is the main attraction at this circus.
Brandi isn’t ready to talk to Lisa yet though, she needs to get drunk first, otherwise things like common sense might get in the way of the argument she wants to have.

Once Lisa arrives Yolanda is the first one to run up to her and pester her about leaving Puerto Rico without telling anyone (besides production, and Bravo, you know… the people that matter)
I mean, Lisa could have been dead! Raped and murdered and left in an alley way!
Chill the fuck out Yolanda, we’re talking about Ken and Lisa here, not Kim.
Just admit you’re actually mad about the fact that they enjoyed their vacation at a better hotel than yours and didn’t jump on the first plane and run home like you had hoped they would – and told everyone they did.

Yolanda tried to say hi to Ken and he totally blew her off. HAHA.
Yolanda’s ego has fooled her into thinking she’s someone so important that people aren’t allowed to be mad at her. And she has LYME DISEASE Ken, so whatever you’re mad at her for isn’t her fault!! It’s beyond Yolanda’s diminished brain capacity to comprehend why Ken might not feel like wasting air saying hello to her.
Yolanda informs us that she would accept being snubbed by Beyonce, but not Ken. He isn’t important enough. Her husband has Grammy’s. Lots of Grammy’s. She deserves respect damn it!

I just don’t understand why you need to be friends with the other women when you have me? Did you see my house? It’s beautiful. You can have Gigi’s bedroom. It’s yours. Just love me the most!!!!!

Now it’s Kim’s turn. She wants to apologize to Ken, but he doesn’t really care if Kim apologizes or not. Nothing she says makes sense anyway so the words that come out of her mouth are basically meaningless to normal people. Ken tells Joyce that Kim isn’t on the same planet as them. Joyce tells him that’s mean… but she doesn’t argue with the true-ness of the statement.

Hey look at me! I’m Allison DuBois!

Kim is offended by Ken’s dismissive behavior, but let’s be honest, I’d dismiss that bitch too and so would all of you. Kim is one of those crazy people at a party that will get you cornered and force you to listen to a 35 minute long story about Kingsley’s dog training lessons.
Ken’s been there done that and wants to get away before it’s too late.

But don’t you want to hear about the cute thing Kingsley did yesterday??

For some reason Kim seems to be under the impression that if you apologize to someone, they are then required to forgive you. Real life doesn’t work that way Kim.
And while we’re on the subject of apologies, where the fuck is my apology?
I think us as viewers are owed a huge apology for being forced to watch Kim’s mind numbingly boring scenes while we sit here pretending that she’s just a little quirky when she’s clearly smoking fucking crack on a daily basis.
She needs to be on Intervention, not a show about rich classy women.
I want an apology and I will be offended until I get one.

I want an apology NOW!!

On the other side of the pool, Brandi is trying to convince Carlton that Lisa is manipulating her, but it isn’t working because Carlton was actually there for the whole non-existent tabloid on the table thing. Brandi tells Carlton that she doesn’t remember the magazine because Lisa hypnotized her into forgetting about it.
Brandi know’s how it feels, her and Kyle used to be mind zombies under Lisa’s control too. But they were finally able to escape and now they are free and can think for themselves.
And just look at all the great things that happen when Kyle and Brandi think for themselves!

Throughout all the shit talking and slander, Brandi continues to assure us that she really loves Lisa. And I totally believe her, because as she already demonstrated with her father, character assassination is how she shows her love.

I totally love Lisa. What would possibly make you think I don’t?

Lisa pulls Kyle away from the group, probably because she thought maybe now that Kyle has had some time to think about things, she would be able to see the truth.

Unfortunately, Kyle’s reasoning skills don’t fare too well on their own without Lisa’s mind control. So Kyle has decided to ignore the fact that Brandi is the one who brought up the rumors about her husband at the lunch at Carlton’s, and that Yolanda basically said she thinks they’re true, and that Brandi made everyone start talking about the tabloids again in Puerto Rico, and that Brandi actually bought the tabloids and had them on display at her house, and that now the entire show has basically become about the tabloids that Kyle wanted to ignore BECAUSE OF BRANDI!!!
She’s just going to brush all that aside, take Brandi’s word as truth, and demand that Lisa apologize for Brandi’s lies.
Smart choice Kyle. Mensa should be calling any day now.

And aside from the apology that Lisa doesn’t owe her, Kyle also really needs Lisa to tell her that she’s her friend.
Right now.
Ok Lisa said it.
Now she needs to hear it again.
And one more time just to be sure.
But she’s still not sure she believes it… So she’s going to need Lisa to reassure her of their friendship at least once every 20 minutes for the rest of the party.
And also every morning on the phone, and at least 4 or 5 times throughout the day via text message.
She also wants Lisa to send out a tweet declaring that they are BFF’s, and maybe add it at the bottom of the menu at SUR, or possibly have a plaque put up on the door to her house next to the one that says Villa Rosa, then Kyle can know for sure that Lisa really is her friend.
Lisa is like fuck this shit I can’t do this anymore and walks away.

You are BSC Kyle. See ya later.

I knew you weren’t a real friend…. real friends make plaques for their real friends.

Kim wastes no time getting in Kyle’s ear and talking shit about Lisa. If she can prevent Kyle from having friends, then Kyle will have no choice but to spend all her time with Kim.
Once that is accomplished, all Kim has to do is get Mauricio out of the picture (a few more “leaked” tabloid stories should do it) and then it’s only a few more years till the kids are gone and then she can have Kyle all to herself. They can even move into together and then Kim will never have to be alone ever again!

Lisa is not your friend. No one is. I’m the only one you can count on… except when I’m drunk. Actually you’re the only one I can count on. Same difference, no? It’s meant to be this way, just you and me sis.

Now it’s Brandi’s turn. She finally had enough glasses of wine and is ready to speak to Lisa. Brandi’s demands are simple. She just wants Scheana (or however you spell that stupid made up name) put on a boat, driven out into the middle of the ocean, and pushed overboard… with weights tied to her ankles. That’s all. If Lisa is truly Brandi’s real friend and not Scheana’s best friend, then she will do this for her. Then they can go back to be besties and Brandi will stop lying about the tabloids.

Just kill the bitch. Is that really asking too much?

Lisa chooses not to murder Scheana, and Brandi sadly declares that if Scheana lives, her relationship with Lisa has to end.
She dealt with a cheating spouse once and she won’t deal with being cheated on again, especially not with the same girl.
Lisa reminds Brandi that they aren’t in a relationship… they’re just friends.

Brandi is really disappointed, because she thought there was so much more between them and she thought Lisa felt it too. She knows she did!
She declares her love for Lisa and tells her how beautiful and amazing she is, and how her perfume is like an intoxicating drug, more powerful than all the white wine in the world, and that her smile could create peace on earth!

Just tell me you love me Lisa!

Lisa let’s Brandi down gently, she tells her that she does love her, she just doesn’t feel “that way” about her.
Brandi says she now realizes that she has to move on, because she will never be able to have the relationship she wants with Lisa. Plus she wasn’t getting enough sex out of this arrangement anyway.

For some reason Mauricio really wants to be a Housewife this season. He pulls Ken aside to have a talk of their own just like the ladies.
Mauricio says he can forgive Ken…. FOR WHAT???!!!
He starts telling Ken how much he loves him, and it’s a little weird.
Then he calls Lisa a liar. And how does he know she’s a liar? Because Kim, Yolanda, and Brandi told him.
Nevermind the fact that Kim wasn’t there, and Yolanda is actually backing up Lisa’s version, he’s still gonna go ahead and believe it. I think Mauricio has been dipping into Kim’s stash.

I have feelings too Ken. And I need you to listen to them.

Ken finds the whole thing so ridiculous he’s just laughing in Mauricio’s face.

Mauricio finally admits that he’s just been feeling a little neglected lately and all he really wanted was some affection and some hugs from his buddy.

I love you man, gimme a hug

How about another hug, come here

Love you man, but totally not in a gay way. I swear.

What the fuck is up with everyone? They’re like a bunch of children begging for mommy Lisa and daddy Ken’s affection. This is probably the weirdest dynamic of any Housewife show ever. I’m tempted to fly out to SUR just to see what this new drug called Lisa Vanderpump is all about.

When the men are done their talk/hug session they head over to the women’s table. Yolanda orders Ken banished from their conversation. But since he doesn’t recognize her as the Queen she thinks she is, he ignores her orders.
He tries to talk to Yolanda and reaches out to touch her arm, but before he can even touch her she swats his hand away and then accuses him of trying to murder her.

Ken calls Yolanda stupid again. She says she might be a lot of things, but she’s not stupid. She suffers from diminished brain capacity – which is a really smart way of saying stupid.

If I were stupid I wouldn’t be using fancy words like “diminished”!!

Yolanda wants to call the cops and report her attempted murder, so Ken and Lisa decide to get the fuck out of there and head to SUR where they can be around normal people like Jax and Kristen.

You see…  Yolanda and David are having some money problems, and they figured that if Yolanda could pretend she was assaulted, they could sue Ken and get themselves some of that big time restaurant money. Unfortunately, the whole non assault was caught on camera so now they have to sell their house for the money.

Ken just tried to murder me. You all witnessed that right??

And I have to admit…I’m not sure how this happened, but suddenly fucking Joyce is the voice of reason in this insane asylum.
She’s been trying to warn us about this set up since day one and we all dismissed her as a hair flipping shit stirrer trying to get attention. Fuck….. I hate being wrong.

I still hate Carlton though. She gives me the creeps. Even if she did her best impression of a normal person last night. If there is any sense left at Bravo after this fiasco of a season they’ll get rid of her.

All alone at the party…. just like high school

The best line of the night goes to Lisa: Never wrestle with a pig because you’ll get dirty. And whats more, the pig likes it. HAHA she totally just called you ladies PIGS!

Ok time to go read some blogs!