the real housewives of beverly hills recap

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – The Finale (Finally) #RHOBH

Ok so basically the finale happened pretty much the way I thought it would. With the exception of Brandi saying I checked mated you bitch because they cut that out. What the hell Bravo?! They cut out so much stuff that they were able to show scenes from last week, a compilation of scenes from the entire season, and the beginning of the reunion, and the show was still only 43 minutes long.

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I could sum the whole thing up by saying everyone wants to be Lisa’s BFF, and they are all upset because they each feel she doesn’t pay enough attention to them or likes another woman more than she likes them. That’s all that happened. The End.

But I know you guys want a recap…. so here ya go

The women get all dressed up and head out to a birthday celebration for Beverly Hills. If Beverly Hills were capable of throwing itself a birthday party I don’t think most of these bitches would be invited. I don’t know what was up with the party…. but it looked like a high school dance set around the pool in the gym.

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And they were drinking out of plastic cups. Plastic! I don’t think this was a real party. I think this was something concocted by Bravo and the Hilton’s threw in the venue for free as a favor to Kim and Kyle.

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 Yolanda and Carlton arrive first and get straight to talking about Lisa. Kim came with Joyce and her husband and they made awkward jokes about three-somes. I think they’ve been spending too much time around Carlton.
Kyle and Mauricio stop by to pick up Brandi and she’s bringing a black guy as her date. If anyone tries to call her a racist again, she can just point to him.

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See, I’m not racist. I fuck black guys too!

They spend the ride to the party talking about Lisa, because Lisa is the most important thing happening in anyone’s life right now.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Bitching on the Beach

We’re going to Puerto Rico! Yay! The worst (and by worst, I mean best) shit always happens on the vacations. And Carlton isn’t invited! Amazing.

Kim finally decided to show up for something.
No Kim, you’re going on vacation not sneaking out of rehab, you don’t have to be inside the suitcase this time.

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There was one other person on the show who also sat inside the suitcase.

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Joyce’s dad died, but she’s not going to let that interfere with her party. So she wants everyone to ignore the death and have a great time. All the women say “everybody deals with grief differently” about Joyce, but what they really mean is “Joyce doesn’t seem to care too much that her dad is dead.”

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They arrive at the hotel and Lisa screams and pulls her hair out, and then faints when she see’s the peasants quarters they’ve placed her in.

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Ken, can you fly Rosio down here please, I don’t know where that toilet seat has been, and these sheets are making me itch.


The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Hocus Bocus

We start this episode with everyone’s (least) favorite Housewife. Carlton finally decides to explain what her religion is all about. Apparently it involves lighting candles with pictures of Jesus and Mary on them and putting crystals in your bra. She also takes us to her religion’s sacred place. No, it’s not a temple. Like most women in Beverly Hills, her sacred place is a store.
See Kyle, her religion isn’t really any different than yours.

The lady at the store does psychic candle readings. I think we’re confusing Wiccan with being psychic again.
Yolanda shows up to get herself a candle for the house. But since they have special powers she’s going to buy two. Ahhh the magic of marketing.
Carlton explains to Yolanda that Crystals are a gift from the earth. I think the earth might prefer to call it theft, but whatever. It’s all just Hocus Pocus to me anyway

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Carlton attempts to explain Wicca to Yolanda and it reminds me of Sarah Palin’s Katie Couric interview.
“Even with the candles, I mean… there is magic around us… and I think it’s just acknowledging that… and just empowering… especially women.”
Thanks Carlton, now it all makes total sense.

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Kyle is at Joyce’s house explaining that somehow the screen saver on her computer changed from a picture of the family to words from the dictionary. There is no logical explanation for how this could have happened. It obviously can’t be the result of technology, so it must be witchcraft.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Vanderpump Rules Everyone’s Conversations

The show begins with Yolanda heading over to Mohamed’s house to plan Gigi’s graduation party. I think Shiva should replace Carlton when she isn’t asked back next season.
Yolanda says she likes Shiva because “being with someone for a year and a half is pretty serious for Mohamed”
Translated from Dutch that means: Your time is almost up bitch

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Yolanda explains what a terrible person Lisa is for marrying a guy who was born on the same calendar day that her second husband’s daughter from a previous marriage chose as her wedding date. Ken’s mother clearly should have exhibited better manners and held him in for just one more day.
Yolanda says it is very frustrating when your ex husbands friends don’t plan their lives around your personal social schedule.
She tries to get Mohamed to agree with her, but he defends Lisa. Now that must be frustrating!

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I hate Lisa THIS much

Then Yolanda explains yet again how incredibly hurtful it was that Lisa chose to get permits for her new restaurant instead of finger painting in her garden. I’m beginning to understand why the women have such a problem with Lisa. She’s clearly a monster.