The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Escape from The Witch On The Mountain

Since Carlton has done just about everything possible to suck the class out of RHOBH, Lisa and Kyle decide to throw a black tie dinner for their husband’s birthdays to try to make up for all the sex toys and stripper poles we’ve had to endure so far.

What is happening to the side of Kyle’s eye in this picture?

Brandi is doing a photo shoot for her new book. She took a lot of beautiful photos, but for the cover they chose the last picture of the day where her makeup was wearing off and her hair was starting to go flat. I don’t think Brandi’s publisher lady likes her very much.

Loved this dress

Super sexy

Meh…

Brandi’s next book needs to be called Drinking And How It Led To Rehab

Joyce and Carlton meet for lunch because Joyce wants to discuss the spell she doesn’t believe in that made her husband sick. He’s at home hiding in the closet waiting to hear the outcome of the lunch.
Joyce just needs to know that Carlton won’t be doing any more fake spells. Carlton is OFFENDED that Joyce would accuse her of doing something that she said she would do.
She calls Joyce flippant. Joyce doesn’t know what that means. Fuck, can someone buy the woman a dictionary app for her iPhone?

Joyce also wants Carlton to agree that she isn’t going to push her children down a flight of stairs or anything like that. Again Carlton is OFFENDED. She would never hurt a child. Ever. Witchcraft is all about sacrificing babies, not children. Once they can walk and talk their blood isn’t fresh anymore. Geeze Joyce educate yourself. Google it like Yolanda did

Miraculously Carlton and Joyce seem to move past it and by the end of the lunch they’re actually getting along. I hope these two remain friends so next season they can go to lunch and discuss how much they miss being on Housewives.

Kim’s daughter is leaving for college and they decided to get matching tattoo’s before she goes. Kim is boring but I’m afraid being on this show is the only thing stopping her from drinking herself to death. I’m not a monster, so I’ll endure her scenes if it will save a life. Consider it my charity for the week.

Put mine on the arm without the track marks please

Yolanda…. uhhh fuck it I don’t care. Let’s skip to the dinner.

Lisa’s house is fucking amazing. It has a moat, and a name! I don’t really understand the
store-front style doors but whatever. Villa Rosa looks like something out of a fairy tale and this shit is the reason why we watch Beverly Hills. We wanna see disgusting wealth, not disgusting women. If I wanted to watch trash bags on stripper poles I would re watch Season One of New Jersey.

Lisa was expecting synchronized swimmers for her party, but something got lost in translation when the booking was made and she ended up with two strippers who weren’t sure what to do when they were told they wouldn’t be taking their clothes off. It was awkward at first, but then one of them slipped and everyone found that incredibly entertaining so it all turned out ok.

Carlton thinks Lisa should have hired her pole dancers instead. I think everyone would have preferred to stare at an empty pool rather than see any more of Carlton’s sex workers and their swinging cellulite.

Carlton spent the first part of the party sitting on her husbands lap. At this point I can’t tell if it’s annoying me because this isn’t a high school dance and it’s not appropriate to be sitting on your husbands lap at a black tie dinner, or if I’m annoyed because I hate Carlton and everything she does annoys me.

Brandi’s already drunk and Ken helps her walk to the bathroom so she can throw up and make more room for her vodka cleanse. Sheanna pretends to be concerned about Brandi’s hand and uses the opportunity to flash her new ring in Brandi’s face. Brandi thanks Sheanna for her fake concern and for ruining her marriage. Sheanna says you’re welcome…
Why am I being forced to put up with these cunts when I’m trying to watch RHOBH?

Everyone sits down at the dinner table and they all seem to be having a good time. A street beggar with a guitar managed to sneak in and play a couple cords before being escorted out by security, but they don’t let that ruin the party. Pandora’s present to Ken is a self portrait.  This prompts a joke about nipples and that’s when the decent into madness begins.

Carlton still refuses to concede (Hi Joyce, concede means: to admit that something is true after first resisting it) that nipple-gate actually isn’t a big deal.
Maybe Lisa’s nipples offend her because they’re too old? Maybe she only likes young stripper nipples?
Kyle really want Carlton to get the joke, so asks Lisa to please tell her the story. Oh excuse me, I didn’t mean to be rude. Kyle asks Lisa to please tell she the story. But her doesn’t want to hear it. Her’s OFFENDED.

But dahlings, why are we fighting over whole nipples when it was only 3/4 of a nipple?

Kyle continues her systematic disrespect by referring to Carlton with a pronoun used to refer to a female person!
Carlton is offended and appalled at Kyle’s hideous behavior. Kyle calmly reminds her that it’s her husbands birthday. Carlton replies that she DOESN’T CARE. It’s not about YOU Kyle!

I don’t care who’s birthday it is. I’m here for ME to get famous, not for anyone else!

Now shit is getting real. Carlton is talking about things that happened in her dreams again and how rude it was of Kyle not to enjoy the smell of her poo. Carlton’s shit don’t stink and how dare anyone say otherwise! She’s offended.
Carlton is kinda making no sense at all and Kyle is trying to understand what the hell is going on but Carlton keeps interrupting her. She tells Carlton to let her speak and Carlton yells back Don’t you dare command me!

What the… what does that even mean? 

Kyle’s all confused because she thought they were in a better place now. I believe Kyle is sincere in her confusion because I saw her on Days of Our Lives and she isn’t that good of an actress. Carlton laugh’s that Kyle was stupid enough to think she actually wanted to be friends with her.

Kyle’s fed up at this point tells Carlton to stop acting like a witch. *Gasp*
Carlton is so happy she can barely contain her excitement. She finally managed to bait Kyle into saying something she can actually be offended by. She even claps for her! Mission accomplished!

Told ya I could get her to say it. You owe me $100 Lisa!

Kyle wants to know why Carlton accepted her necklace when she clearly didn’t have any intentions of being her friend. Obviously she’s a liar, and Kyle wants an explanation.
Carlton doesn’t want to admit that she just wanted a free necklace and manages to deflects the accusation by bringing up tattoo-gate.
Oh for fucks sake. Here we go with the stupid tattoo again.

Why would I get a tattoo of your star when mine is clearly the better star? I’m OFFENDED

Jewish stars have 6 points. Carlton’s star has 5 points. FIVE!  Not six. See the difference? They’re not the same number.
Kyle clearly never learned how to count because she was too busy being a child actress, and Carlton is extremely offended by this.
Kyle says that being offended by the fact that she never learned how to count doesn’t make any sense, and the only logical explanation is that Carlton just hates Jewish people and doesn’t want anyone to think she would put their ugly star on her neck.

You’re a Nazi Witch. It’s the only logical explanation.

It appears to me that Carlton is simply offended by Kyle’s existence the same way Kelly was offended by Bethenny being a chef. It’s creepy. And it makes no sense.

All this arguing and non sense making is causing my head to hurt. The rest of the argument continued something like this:

I think you should give my friendship necklace back

Don’t be an Indian giver Kyle

That’s not a nice thing to say about Indians

Don’t say Indians that’s racist. They’re called Native Americans.

You’re the one that called them Indians first. 

No you said it first! You said it last week in my dream. You were saying terrible things about Indians and Native Americans and British people too!

Listen Carlton, by accepting that necklace you were agreeing to enter into a friendship with myself, known in this agreement as Kyle Richards. When you took possession of the before mentioned necklace, you accepted the terms of my friendship. If you wish to terminate said friendship you are required to return the necklace within 30 days of submitting your written notice of termination. If you fail to comply with the conditions of this friendship contract I will sue you.

I had to burn that thing in acid just to get the negative energy out of my house. That wasn’t a true friendship necklace. It was a trojan necklace. And not the kind of Trojans I like.

If you didn’t want it you could have at least given it to charity

I had to destroy it. It was the only way to prevent your negative energy from spreading and eventually infecting the entire world like a zombie outbreak.

That doesn’t make any sense Carlton

DON’T YOU DARE COMMAND ME!

I command you to shut the fuck up. How about that you dumb witch.

This is systematic disrespect. You are disgusting and vile and putrid – the exact opposite of my poo which smells like bloody roses!

Your poo smells like blood and roses?

Shut up Kyle you know what I meant.

Are you a Catholic Egyptian by any chance?

I’m a Wiccan and I’m OFFENDED that you would ask me that!

Then why are you wearing and Onk and a Cross on your fingers?

How DARE you insult my religion!

I didn’t I’m just asking….

ZIP IT

But I…

ZIP IT!

Carlton….

ZIP !

IT !

OMG! Go to sleep!! GO TO SLEEP!!!

And there it is. I knew you had it in you to say something like that and you just proved it. I’m taking my Jelly Bean and I’m going home!

Jelly Bean is what I call my husband.

Congratulations Carlton. You just forced a million people onto Kyle’s side.
Obviously everyone has to pick a side because we can’t remain neutral in times like this. Dinner party fights are our Super Bowl!
And obviously we can’t be on Carlton’s side. So Team Kyle it is. I hope you’re proud of yourself Carlton.

Next week Carlton is going to cry because she lived in South Africa and apparently that’s another reason for her to be offended by everything!

So until then, adios lunatics.
(Hey, a word Joyce can understand!)