Yolanda’s Bullshit Bravo Blog AKA The point where I officially stop liking Yolanda #RHOBH

Yolanda: Why Is Everyone Afraid of Lisa?

(Bad idea Yoyo!)

Yolanda can’t understand why the ladies won’t stick up to Lisa   (She will soon…)  or why Kyle and Carlton are still arguing about religion. (Because Carlton is insane. Not hard to understand Yo)

Hello Bravo Lovers! It’s hard to believe the first month of this New Year has already gone by. I hope you are well and enjoyed your Super Bowl Sunday.

First, I wanted to clear up Brandi’s jab at me with her tweet while I was on WWHL saying I cancelled dinner plans with her. It surprised me because it would have been justified if I had been a hypocrite and cancelled plans with her and instead taken a business meeting that was more important — but that’s absolutely not what happened! (Spoken like a true trophy wife – never put work before dinner plans!) I cancelled because I was dealing with my crying child across the country in NY who was just diagnosed with a disease we were trying to figure out. (Brandi’s had plenty of STD’s too, you should have told Gigi to stop crying and go get some pills from the doctor. You didn’t need to cancel dinner plans over it.) This is something I shared with B in good faith — but not something I wanted to share with all of you because that’s my daughter’s privacy. But since Brandi brought it up on national TV, I feel I have to clarify the situation. (Brandi never brought up your daughter. You would have just said “family emergency” if your daughter’s privacy had been more important than defending yourself.)

Obviously she lashed out at my comment about our friendship (which made her feel that I don’t love her). But, the truth is that I do care for her and never intended to hurt her feelings. We all lead busy lives. Even though we text once in a while, we have not seen each other in five months, so I am not going to sit here and pretend we are BFFs and talk every day because we don’t. (According to Yolanda’s friendship rulebook from last week, 5 months without a visit means her and Brandi are no longer friends) 

I have taken a lot of heat for supporting Brandi through all her ups and downs but I have done so because she supported me while I was down and out. Even though she is unfiltered on the surface, I always believed (<- past tense!) her to be a kind and good-hearted person deep down inside that needed my support, but I truly hope she does not mistake my kindness for weakness. (That means she thinks Brandi mistakes her kindness for weakness)

Alrighty on to tonight’s episode. . .

After Carlton’s comment at my painting party, I completely understood Joyce’s concern. But, like I said last week, I don’t believe in spells, so I like to think Michael’s stomach flu was a rare coincidence. Carlton definitely has a mouth on her and a wicked sense of humor, for sure — but in my gut I have never ever doubted her integrity. (Guess we know who’s team Yolanda is on) She has always treated me with the utmost respect. You can tell a lot about a woman when you meet her children, who in this case are extremely polite and well educated, which is definitely a reflection of her (and her husband). (I think you can also tell a lot about a woman by the way she behaves at dinner parties – and the kinds of parties she throws – and by the lap dances she gives her mother-in-law… just sayin)

I have really enjoyed watching Kim and Kimberly go through the “off to college” process. (Of course you like the most boring parts) Even though Gigi is my first to leave the family, it looks like it does not get any easier no matter how many kids have already left the nest.

I thought the matching tattoos were very touching. Tattoos are something I have talked about and am wanting to do with my girls — but I just don’t have the balls. (But all the needles that go in your face aren’t scary?) I love the symbolic gesture, but I always worry about regretting it in 10 years from now. (I’m sure your daughters are happy to know you’re afraid of regretting a symbolic gesture of your love for them)

Lisa has impeccable taste, so I enjoy watching her and Kevin plan an extraordinary setting — but the fact that it’s a joint birthday party for Ken and Mauricio leaves me more and more confused. (You really are blonde aren’t you? Kyle and Lisa used to be close. Not so much anymore. Mauricio and Ken are still good friends. Understand now?)

All I heard for the past two years is how Kyle so deeply insulted her integrity and — like you all saw on the last reunion — Mauricio was a user (in her opinion) and only befriended people who could give him real estate deals. (Which I believe is part of his job and the way he provides for his family.) Nobody ever spoke of this after the reunion, and I know for a fact that even when we all got back together this subject was never discussed. (You don’t know what they discussed when you weren’t there. People fight, friends become less close, it doesn’t mean they have to scream at each other every time they get together – or subtly insult each other with place cards)

(I find it interesting that everyone seems so bothered by the fact that Kyle and Lisa are capable of putting their negative feelings aside and can still have fun together. They want them to fight so badly!)

Lisa always seemed to be a great friend to Brandi, but when things got tough and not so pretty, I did see her distance herself overnight without any explanation or acknowledgment. (Wait, now she abandoned her?? I thought the problem was she smothered her. You guys need to get your stories straight…) She clearly decided to reposition herself within the group and therefore bring Kyle back in.

Kyle on the other hand always said that Lisa is like Bobby Fischer because she strategically manipulates every move. I wish she would have had the courage to use this perfect example to point that out to Lisa. Kyle should have drawn a line in the sand and demanded an apology for her husband and at least some sort of acknowledgement of what went down before accepting the invite for a joint birthday party. (Your constant lecturing on the proper way to behave in a friendship is getting really annoying)

It is impossible to rebuild the foundation of a true friendship without that. (Lisa and Kyle don’t have a real friendship. They have a friendship based on dinner parties, a reality show, and their husbands. To each their own.)

Lisa is a beautiful, smart and witty lady, and I am not going to deny that I have always enjoyed her company. Somehow she intimidates the women in this group and they are therefore afraid to hold her accountable for her actions. (Which actions exactly? Still waiting… )  I am having a hard time understanding why it’s so hard for Lisa to acknowledge her mistakes, (maybe she doesn’t see them as mistakes?) because the truth is that we all make them everyday, including myself. When I forgot to put hearts on some of the namecards at my dinner party, (you didn’t forget you were just being a brat) I came around and acknowledged my rude mistake, (you blamed it on your lyme disease) even though I had not done it intentionally (liar). Painting a heart on a little canvas for the three girls involved was my way of saying, “I am sorry, I screwed up!” (Did you paint hearts for them, or you’re talking about the heart you painted for your daughter?)

As the quote goes, trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair; (Yes I read that on instigram too) but to have your feelings validated and acknowledged is at least a healthy place to start to rebuild a true and honest friendship.

David and I hosted his youngest daughter Jordan’s wedding at Mohamed’s house on July 20, 2013, which had of course been on the calendar for the past year. The bride and groom limited their guest list to those who have a personal relationship with them. I was surprised to see Lisa use the wedding as an excuse of why David and I were not going to be at her party (It wasn’t an excuse – it was the ACTUAL reason why you weren’t there)  — because I am pretty sure that Ken’s actual birthday is August 24, so she really could have planned it any other night of the week. (And Mauricio’s birthday was a month before. Maybe Lisa planned the men’s party around their busy schedule’s, not yours. Just a thought)

The ugly fight at the dinner table about religion was sad to me and extremely uncomfortable to watch. Kyle asked Carlton about her religion the first day she met her at her home — so by now, three months later, she could have been educated about it. (Yes she could have been, if Carlton would have bothered to educate her instead of acting defensive and crazy) I am embarrassed to say that after lunch at Carlton’s house, I went home and Googled “Wiccan” because I had never heard of it either. (Next time Yolanda asks Kyle what she did over the weekend she should get offended and tell her to “Google it”) So I get Carlton’s frustration (If you “get” anything about Carlton then I think the Lyme damaged more of your brain than we had previously thought) — but I don’t feel Lisa’s beautiful dinner party was the right place for her to go off the handle. With that said though, being labeled anti-Semitic would probably send anyone over the edge. (I have a feeling Carlton went over the edge years ago and hasn’t come back yet)

 Religion and politics are such delicate subjects that probably should not be discussed at dinner parties in this group. (Tell that to your besti Carlton) I thought Kyle’s peace necklace last week was a very kind gesture and I wish it would have had more lasting power than just one night. (Maybe the distilled water wasn’t strong enough)

It’s unfortunate that you never get to see the serious side of Brandi in her favorite and most important role as a single mother of her young two sons. (Because watching her get drunk and tell people to go fuck themselves is more entertaining) I really enjoyed watching her at work in the studio while shooting the cover of her new book and seeing her true commitment to be a financially independent woman that provides a wonderful life for her children and does nice things for her family at home; which you will get to see in the upcoming episodes. (Let’s all commend Brandi for getting Leslie Bruce to write a book about being a drunk slut for her)

Sometimes it’s so hard to comment on all these subjects because a lot of important details and facets of us women go unseen. Please remember that writing this blog is part of our commitment to the Bravo fans and is never meant to hurt anyone involved but — rather to share a perspective from our seven so different, but equally important, points of view. (I think Bravo would disagree that all your points of view are equally important *ahem* Lisa Vanderpump *Cough cough*)

Thank you for your continued commitment to traveling this journey with us. (No one committed to anything. We can stop watching any time we want. Swear we can. Any time. We just don’t want to, but we could if we wanted. Cold turkey. No problem) 

Much love and a big hug, (Fuck you)

Yolanda