The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Part 1 #RHOBH

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Ok…. so the whole Brandi said that Lisa lived in the valley story is stupid. And none of them got the point Lisa was trying to make. She wasn’t saying that there is anything wrong with living in the valley. She was saying she never fucking lived there. Not the same thing people.
And the bankruptcy? Brandi looked at Kyle for support on that one. I thought I heard Kyle say Ken told me that, but she got drowned out because everyone was too concerned over whether or not Calabasas is a nice place to live or not. Who fucking care’s. That’s not the point of the argument.
The point is that Lisa made a joke about needing a passport to come to “the valley” and Brandi has been sitting on that insult and letting it fester all this time waiting to get her revenge, and she finally got it for only $9.99! Well…. not exactly.
Unfortunately Brandi is a moron, and forgot that just because you own a property in the valley doesn’t mean that you live in it. Rich people have these things called “investments”… sometimes those investments are restaurants, sometimes they are real estate. Sometimes they are clothing stores, unless you are Kyle in which case it’s just a fun project which is costing your husband a ton of money so that you can have a bigger closet.

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Yolanda tells us that she is operating with only one 5th of her brain function…. Now I’m not a doctor or anything, but if that were true wouldn’t she be drooling and being wheeled into the reunion on a stretcher? I don’t know… just sounds like more excuses to me. She makes it sound like she rises from her death to bravely put on fancy clothes and do this show for Bravo and then returns to the hospital at night to fight for her life when the cameras are off.
She doesn’t look frail, or sick, or like she’s suffering from diminished brain capacity. She just seems spoiled and selfish.
As for the hearts: that was on purpose because you were being bitchy. That’s it. Stop fucking lying.

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See this whole part here – no brain. And the other part over there – no brain either. No brain anywhere, just bubbles and insecurity.

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The Real Housewives of New York City Are Back! Recap #RHONY

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Ok so the first episode was kinda boring, but first episodes usually are. It’s all about catching up with the old wives and meeting the new one.
But what the fuck was up with the new tag lines? I’m getting really disappointed in Bravo… I thought Carlton was an honest mistake, but now it’s like they’re trying to be trashy.
Carole went from being a princess to talking about her ass, Ramona is basically calling herself a drunk, Sonja’s talking about going commando…. which just makes me think of her lady parts, and I’m sorry but Sonja’s lady parts are not something I want to be thinking about. Ever.
Aviva making jokes about her leg? And Heather… Omg girl stop trying to make “Holla” happen, you’re white and the 90’s are over. Tacky and poor taste Bravo.
If they wanted to change something they should have changed the ugly dresses from last season, not the tag lines.
I’m already not too thrilled with this season and we haven’t even gotten past the opening credits yet.

Let’s catch up with the wives: 

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Blogs and Other Things #RHOBH

Let’s talk about the blogs

Screen shot 2014-03-12 at 11.52.26 AMYolanda: I Have A Problem With Lisa As A Victim
Yolanda laments Lisa’s inability to address the situation, and asserts that she’s not jealous of anything of Lisa’s, minus her health.

Read Yolanda’s full blog here

I’m not going to post Yolanda’s entire blog because it was basically 6 pages of complaining that Lisa doesn’t love her enough, and Lisa isn’t a good enough friend, and Lisa didn’t visit her enough. I almost (almost) believe her when she says she isn’t jealous of Lisa, this looks more like obsession than jealousy – actually it’s probably both. Yolanda has some serious personality issues going on. But it’s not her fault, she has LYME DISEASE incase anyone forgot.
Yolanda says:

“I can sleep fine at night knowing that even though my honesty might not translate very diplomatically, the words I speak have good intent and I live my life with great integrity.”

Someone needs to buy Yolanda a dictionary defining the words “honesty”, “good intent” and “integrity”.

Hey, let’s play Mad Libs and make Yolanda’s blog more accurate. Fill in the blanks:

I can sleep fine at night knowing that even though my ________ might not translate very diplomatically, the words I speak have _______ and I live my life with great _______

Yolanda has more to say:

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – The Finale (Finally) #RHOBH

Ok so basically the finale happened pretty much the way I thought it would. With the exception of Brandi saying I checked mated you bitch because they cut that out. What the hell Bravo?! They cut out so much stuff that they were able to show scenes from last week, a compilation of scenes from the entire season, and the beginning of the reunion, and the show was still only 43 minutes long.

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I could sum the whole thing up by saying everyone wants to be Lisa’s BFF, and they are all upset because they each feel she doesn’t pay enough attention to them or likes another woman more than she likes them. That’s all that happened. The End.

But I know you guys want a recap…. so here ya go

The women get all dressed up and head out to a birthday celebration for Beverly Hills. If Beverly Hills were capable of throwing itself a birthday party I don’t think most of these bitches would be invited. I don’t know what was up with the party…. but it looked like a high school dance set around the pool in the gym.

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And they were drinking out of plastic cups. Plastic! I don’t think this was a real party. I think this was something concocted by Bravo and the Hilton’s threw in the venue for free as a favor to Kim and Kyle.

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 Yolanda and Carlton arrive first and get straight to talking about Lisa. Kim came with Joyce and her husband and they made awkward jokes about three-somes. I think they’ve been spending too much time around Carlton.
Kyle and Mauricio stop by to pick up Brandi and she’s bringing a black guy as her date. If anyone tries to call her a racist again, she can just point to him.

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See, I’m not racist. I fuck black guys too!

They spend the ride to the party talking about Lisa, because Lisa is the most important thing happening in anyone’s life right now.

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I Am Now A Happy Hooker

I’m finally getting good at this shit! I’m pretty excited about the things I’m able to make now.

This is the cutest thing ever. I think I’m going to make one my size. I’ve been making mostly children’s hats and scarves because they are easier and a lot less frustrating.

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Food I Made This Week

Fudgy Black Bean Peanut Butter Brownies

(recipe courtesy of ThingsRFine)

And these are actually vegan unlike some of the other things I posted thinking they were vegan… but it turns out animal parts are in all kinds of weird things you would never suspect.

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Going into my new Breville Smart Oven….

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Yummmmm!!!

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – This Episode Sucked #RHOBH

I wish we could have skipped this episode and went straight to the next one. This is an example of what Beverly Hills will look like if Lisa isn’t in it: SHIT.

So this recap is going to be short. But not as short as Yolanda’s blog. She didn’t even write one this week because she ran out of Lyme disease excuses for her behavior. This is literally Yolanda’s entire blog:

“Yolanda Takes a Pass

Yolanda H. Foster

Yolanda asks for your forgiveness for not having more to share this week.
Posted by Yolanda H. Foster on Mar 3208

Hello Bravo Lovers!
Due to a house full of family guest this week i was unable to write a blog. My apology. Until next week.
Much love,
Yolanda”

What the fuck Yolanda?! You guys should check out the nasty comments people have been leaving for her. Some of them are pretty funny.

So….onto the recap. Ken and Lisa packed up and got the fuck out of Puerto Rico. Everyone is shocked that Lisa didn’t want to stick around to be yelled at during breakfast. What’s wrong with her?

But Lisa reveals in her blog that they didn’t actually leave Puerto Rico, they just left that shitty hotel with all the bitchy women and went to a more fabulous place to finish their vacation.

“When we left that hotel, after Kim had been pretty abusive with no regret, we knew to stay or inform them that we were exhausted by the unrelenting accusations and wanted to leave it would result in an even more complicated scenario.
We looked at each other as we were going to bed, saddened by the day’s events and decided to get the hell out of there — to find the most glorious hotel on the island and vanish for a few days, to recover and lick my wounds. So that is what happened.”

Read Lisa’s full blog here

Kim admits that she should call Ken and apologize for her immature behavior, but she doesn’t want toooooo. Doing the right thing is hardddddddd. And as an alcoholic, she isn’t required to take responsibility for her actions, as previously stated.

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Being an alcoholic gives you a free pass to do anything. I learned that in AA. Trust me Brandi, I know what I’m talking about. Just keep drinking.

Yolanda initially looked pretty upset about Lisa leaving because she was really looking forward to continuing to bitch at her for another day. But she got over it pretty fast when she realized that now there is no one around making her feel jealous and insecure.

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No more talking about Lisa. I’m in charge now!

Yolanda’s first order of business is to declare that no one is allowed to talk about Lisa for the rest of the day. Everyone seems very disappointed in this. They were really excited to spend the day talking shit behind her back. But Yolanda will not allow Lisa to steal one more bit of her spotlight.

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I got rid of Lisa now I’m the QUEEN of this show! You all walk behind me!

Yolanda thinks she can be Queen Bee, but she can never fill Lisa’s Pumps. That’s for sure.

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